I am at my mom’s, watching my Niece and Nephew through the weekend while she takes care of grandma for me. I got the kids off to school great and the morning was swimming along nicely. I gave the dog some Reiki ’cause he’s been sick and then we started playing. I decided we should take it to the backyard and didn’t stop to grab my phone or put on shoes. We had a lot of fun and he was so playful, I really appreciated that he seemed to be feeling a bit better and was completely caught up in the moment. Not wanting to push him to far though, we went to head back in before long. But instead, we came just shy at the back door. It was locked.

I had forgotten that my mom’s back door has one of those knobs that can turn on the inside when it’s locked. I had locked it last night. I knew this. “Fuck.” Now, had this been May from a couple years ago I would have responded very differently. I would have been tearing myself down, getting more and more upset, and allowing the situation to unnerve me – but this morning I observed myself responding instead of reacting.

I quickly checked my options. Windows, nope. Garage door, nope. And I knew the front was deadbolted because I did that once the kids were off to school. Decided I didn’t want to jump the fence in stocks unless I exhausted all my options in the backyard anyway and well, just sat.

I had felt my pulse quicken, and my chest and throat tighten immediately upon feeling the tension in the doorknob, which had persisted throughout my initial panicked runaround. And as I sat I witnessed my ego’s desperate chatter get even louder, “you told Nikki not to take the bus because you’d pick her up at school so now she won’t even be here in 5 hours with her key because she’s going to be stranded unless you jump that fence and find a phone! And if you can’t James is going to be stranded after bike club too! How could you not have your phone? You are so stupid. You are the worst aunt! I know how much you don’t want to go find a phone in the city in your socks. Is your social anxiety really more important right now? What are you waiting for?!” But I remained.

I sat, I observed, I surrendered. I began to sing different mantras, one known as the “fate erradicator,” another to dispel any egoic intent/fear within myself and still more to bless myself, the situation, the dog and even the home and community. I became calm. I noticed my pulse sooth and my breath deepen. The sun peaked out from behind the cloud and the breeze picked up, and I found my Self in True Love with Life again.

I resumed attempts to get back in the house and found myself at the unused but now unblocked dog door. It is too small and square for me to get through, I had already tried, but I decided to check it out again anyway. As I maneuvered a bit, a long umbrella with a flat-ended foam handle fell on top of me. Within five minutes I had figured out how to maneuver the little lock latch open with the umbrella, it was in fact the perfect tool for this very odd job.

The 30 min of stress/panic were probably unavoidable, but after 20 min of meditation and mantra it took maybe 10 before the problem was solved. Next time I think I’ll try to just skip straight to the energy work!

Image Source: Elephant Journal

Hello all! I wanted to officially announce that I have ended my vow of silence early.

In all, it was a great experience and I learned a lot, however for the constraints and complications of trying to continue normal life, it was becoming far to complicated and difficult (for myself yes, but the real problem was my inability to control how it was affecting others).

Here’s some of what I learned through this experiment with communication:


#1 – a lot of what I do for my grandma as her caregiver is be her companion, listen to her stories and keep her company – which is much richer when I contribute as well.
#2 – Much of our verbal response is automatic, like bodily functions, and there’s not much time for thinking before normal reactions. I’ve highly enjoyed becoming aware of this in myself and will be further exploring the relationship between my triggers and reactions.
#3 – the line between language and noise is SUPER THIN! I could communicate so much more than I thought just by using sound and I will definitely be playing with this more too!

Those are just a few things I’ve gleaned, but there are so many more. I also still feel called to silence, but in a more controlled and supportive environment, and will be looking for opportunities to attend a silent retreat in the near future.

Thank you all for your patience during this time! I love and appreciate youuuu ❤

Image: internet

I have not been utilizing spoken language to communicate for 10 days now and I’m officially a third of the way through my vow. I have been learning a lot and figured this was as good a time as any to post a bit of an update.

In reality, communication runs much deeper than human language

Interestingly, my abilities to continue making noises and write to communicate have made my vow more difficult rather than less. I have found myself struggling to “grunt just right” or write something as quickly or “efficiently” as possible again and again. The trouble always arises because this vow doesn’t only affect me, and I still have habits of adjusting myself for others.

I am not at an ashram, I’m still finding ways to do my work and have my relationships, yet I feel profoundly limited in my ability to give people what they want. In this way, I am being tested, but so is everyone else in my life. I am being confronted by my desire to make things easier for everyone, literally ALL THE TIME. In turn, they are also being invited to explore their expectations of me, and it’s not always comfortable or even understandable.

Human language has never been static (image: internet)

I have thoroughly succeeded in rocking the boat lately. I have been tempted to just call this “rewilding my voice” intention off on more than one occasion, but all this resistance can only mean it’s worth the effort – so I’m pushing through, and taking everyone on a growth adventure with me!

I am however, hereby changing my “I can makeep noises” rule slightly, to exclude word-like sounds. Only official grunts, growls and purrs from now on. Okay, and maybe some monkey chatter and bird whistles – but no more human-esk attempts a communication. Though who is to say where the line is unless I explore it??

Alas, I am again committed to the original commitment… But you see my difficulty?

Even if that means sticking with a difficult commitment (image: internet)

I was taught to fear
the other

never knowing
it was always myself

I hated “them” for things
I remembered

about myself
things only “I” was guilty of

Yet, it was through others’
forgiving embrace

I discovered
how forgiveness heals

Turning their love inward
accepting myself

breaking free
releasing self-judgements

In these ways, I am saved
by others

once judged
by my own denied insecurities

So yes, I am healing me
not selfishly

but selflessly
knowing I must to love All

There will be no blog post for the 7th.

There with be no blog post for the 8th.

The last two days were pure MAGICK, and in this way I will hold for them eternal space.

Apotheosis

I am blessed. I am blessing.

I am a part of a global family, a universal tribe made up of men and women across this globe who speak different languages, have different cultures and yet, express and experience the same true divine love. It is this love that connects us, regardless of understanding. It is this love that has ultimately brought us across all time, space and history to the grand intersection of NOW.

I do not know them, I know them. They permeate my being with their essences and I feel for them with complete abandon and liberation. I can tell them anything. I have told them everything.

Secrets I thought I would take to my grave, I gave confessed, to strangers – and I have been generously accepted, supported and truly, powerfully loved. That is Apotheosis.

It is an enchanting example of how people are taking back their responsibility. The exact opposite of ignoring the ugly things and letting your fears control your perceived reality. This is, as the fam calls it, “facing your resistance.”

This is power.

This is magick.

This is truth.

Recognizing Fear

Yes, see it. See it so clearly you understand it enough to reconstruct what it means for you. Rearrange the way you think about fear, yes, actually change what it means to your inherent cognition.

Yes, that clearly. That intensely and vigorously. Embrace even, and most especially, the parts that you least want to discover, confront and accept.

Look your demons square in their eyes and ask their name with the commanding authority of your divine birthright.

Look your demons square in their eyes and ask their name with the commanding authority of your divine birthright. Watch their monstrous features soften as you realize you were never tormented by them, you have been tortured by your fear of them.

Dare to create a new reality for yourself in which you don’t have to slay your dragons.

Dare to create a new reality for yourself in which you don’t have to slay your dragons. Allow your dragons the opportunity to teach you.

Pain is inevitable. We must grow and adapt, which requires change and that can feel abrasive – especially if we have been practicing resistance for our whole lives, like most of us have.

But what if the dragons have divine messages and we must but learn their way of communicating to unlock the secrets and freedom our hearts have always longed for? What if monsters are beautiful, scared and lonely? What if everything we are afraid to know isn’t actually what we’re afraid of?

Image Source: Unknown (Internet)

Could it be possible to choose our pain wisely instead of simply accept the victimization we inflict upon ourselves? Can we challenge our discomforts and develope the discipline for pursuing universal optimization and the devotion of personal mastery?

What if the only thing we have to fear really, truly is fear itself and the way it robs from our happiness by distorting our perceptions of reality?

Choosing Love

It’s not easy.

It’s not simple.

It will take our whole lives.

But expansion of love is our universal destiny.

We are all divinity learning to love itself, and all we actually “have to do” is decide that we do love ourselves. That we love every last bit of our naturally subversive, gloriously imperfect and infinitely fragmented divine Self.

Acting on radical acceptance. Demanding revolutionary honesty. Accepting that all progress starts with the infinitesimal fragment that is you, me, or any specified “identity” but that it is always going to ripple out and consequently effect the whole of divine Source. This is the essence of true morality and ethics: making the responsibility of blessing your own.

This is the essence of true morality and ethics: making the responsibility of blessing your own.

We are both separate and unified. Both “I” and the “other.” We must make a choice to sacrifice the temptations of ego and fear conciousness and allow the “I” to live in service of the “other” in order to truly integrate wholeness.

We will always be tempted to be “self-ish,” masquerading as mutations and manipulations of the pure divine Source, but we always have the choice to choose true divine love – the choice to see beyond the limits of our conditions, ego and fear and embrace with all powerful grace the totality of existence, which does include even these “selves,” the “others” and yes, even our “demons” and “monsters.”

Image Source: Unknown (Internet)