For those of you that didn’t know, I was married once. He was someone I tried to save from himself, and I lost myself in the process. Still, it’s all been for the best, making me the woman I am.

So, here’s an old poem – from a past I barely recognize:

I fell in love with a con man

He was lying the very day we met


Told me twists and turns of detailed stories, only partial truths or complete bullshit


He’d learned the hard way, of that much there was proof, and so I went along hoping every last word was truth


From behind big blue eyes, he swept me away – what can I say, that con man’s words made me want to play his game


The way he loved me was incredible, made me feel like when he held me he was coming home –


Ecstasy soon turning into a bad trip, a deadly rollar coaster, but I still rode with him –


I fell in love with a criminal, a man who’d done what he thought he had to do, and he’d done it far too many times to realize he could choose –

The lies started to bleed and I began to feed on delirium, insecurity overcoming me making me come unhinged


Something about the way he laughed when he was truly happy, the way his eyes devoured my body and the touch of his hands!


I fell in love with a blue eyed devil, a class act playgirl fantasy

I let him lead me astray, keeping his secrets to this very day, despite his most brazen offenses against me –


I fell in love with a con man, how could I have expected any different?


I couldn’t blame him for his sorted past

Or the hurt little boy who was always staring back


I felt his pain, or at least the parts he wanted me to

I fell in love with a con man, and I always knew –


Yea, somehow I always knew, and I still laid myself bare, daring him to make his move and finally prove that the love he said he for me was as true…


Still, I knew… Still it burned, as his fiery heart consumed – all I had…

Ooh, I was conned by the man I loved – I listened and then got learned…

I thought I knew, thought if I could be bad too he couldn’t hurt me the way that he did…


I gave my innocence to a grand larcenist, ooh I watched as he drank me in and what came back out was stronger, but more putrid too…


Ooh that criminal, I’m that Casanova’s fool –


I learned to love from a con man – he taught me to trust and then how to break it bad…


Don’t you dare

Don’t you entertain –


‘Cause even though I may seem sweet and lovely – I can guarantee that you don’t want to play this game –

I’ve been tainted and mamed 


Ooh oh oh oh – run away

I was taught to fear
the other

never knowing
it was always myself

I hated “them” for things
I remembered

about myself
things only “I” was guilty of

Yet, it was through others’
forgiving embrace

I discovered
how forgiveness heals

Turning their love inward
accepting myself

breaking free
releasing self-judgements

In these ways, I am saved
by others

once judged
by my own denied insecurities

So yes, I am healing me
not selfishly

but selflessly
knowing I must to love All

I pulled the card

not knowing

just desperate

seeking the answers to unasked questions

Lotus guru

Blooming

like dance

Smiling as she colorfully unfurls

I didn’t feel it then

the weight

of petals

pulling themselves delicately apart

It’s hard work

being gentle

letting go

unraveling to reveal hidden glories

Happening silently

frustratingly

bit by bit

until nothing is left but undoing

Thrusting vulnerability

exposing

inviting

giving all to possibilities

Spreading wide open

expanding

exploding

willing to fall completely apart

And watching myself fall

bit by bit

beautiful peices

collapsing back into myself

An act of violence

this blooming

this undoing

itself cannot be undone

Yet these dead petals

decaying

become more

feeding the blooms of tomorrows

My left thigh is tingling and warm

from soft kitten purrs, as loud as they are gentle

He refused to “say cheese” though

The room is cold, here in the basement

as well as quiet, dark and spacious

I can remember when this entire space

was filled floor to ceiling with miscellaneous

I feel connected to it in remarkable ways

And that’s just the basement –

My current home is remarkable

Home

I feel home

Everything feels like home right now

What a difference a few years makes…

I used to be in a bad marriage

I used to be a chronic enabler

I used to recklessly abhor myself

Just years ago…

Don’t get me wrong, and if you read my blog you know

Things aren’t perfect…

They truly are better than perfect

This is why

My unalome/wanderlust mashup tattoo

That is to say, what it represents

They joy of the journey

Remembering to appreciate, even the bad

Even when life is chaos and you can’t breathe

If anything, that got me here

At least from that self-deprecating behavior of my past

But it does go deeper

To a time before I new how to be happy

And only grace got me through that

Om, beloved Divine, quest of my heart

Thank you, thank you, thank you my sweet, sweet loves – my beloveds – my sweet love, my beloved, my endlessly cherished One

In all the ways my devotion has blossomed

I have been endlessly blessed

And if I had not strayed into the depths of hopelessness

Would I have ever known the true heights of bliss