There will be no blog post for the 7th.

There with be no blog post for the 8th.

The last two days were pure MAGICK, and in this way I will hold for them eternal space.

Apotheosis

I am blessed. I am blessing.

I am a part of a global family, a universal tribe made up of men and women across this globe who speak different languages, have different cultures and yet, express and experience the same true divine love. It is this love that connects us, regardless of understanding. It is this love that has ultimately brought us across all time, space and history to the grand intersection of NOW.

I do not know them, I know them. They permeate my being with their essences and I feel for them with complete abandon and liberation. I can tell them anything. I have told them everything.

Secrets I thought I would take to my grave, I gave confessed, to strangers – and I have been generously accepted, supported and truly, powerfully loved. That is Apotheosis.

It is an enchanting example of how people are taking back their responsibility. The exact opposite of ignoring the ugly things and letting your fears control your perceived reality. This is, as the fam calls it, “facing your resistance.”

This is power.

This is magick.

This is truth.

Recognizing Fear

Yes, see it. See it so clearly you understand it enough to reconstruct what it means for you. Rearrange the way you think about fear, yes, actually change what it means to your inherent cognition.

Yes, that clearly. That intensely and vigorously. Embrace even, and most especially, the parts that you least want to discover, confront and accept.

Look your demons square in their eyes and ask their name with the commanding authority of your divine birthright.

Look your demons square in their eyes and ask their name with the commanding authority of your divine birthright. Watch their monstrous features soften as you realize you were never tormented by them, you have been tortured by your fear of them.

Dare to create a new reality for yourself in which you don’t have to slay your dragons.

Dare to create a new reality for yourself in which you don’t have to slay your dragons. Allow your dragons the opportunity to teach you.

Pain is inevitable. We must grow and adapt, which requires change and that can feel abrasive – especially if we have been practicing resistance for our whole lives, like most of us have.

But what if the dragons have divine messages and we must but learn their way of communicating to unlock the secrets and freedom our hearts have always longed for? What if monsters are beautiful, scared and lonely? What if everything we are afraid to know isn’t actually what we’re afraid of?

Image Source: Unknown (Internet)

Could it be possible to choose our pain wisely instead of simply accept the victimization we inflict upon ourselves? Can we challenge our discomforts and develope the discipline for pursuing universal optimization and the devotion of personal mastery?

What if the only thing we have to fear really, truly is fear itself and the way it robs from our happiness by distorting our perceptions of reality?

Choosing Love

It’s not easy.

It’s not simple.

It will take our whole lives.

But expansion of love is our universal destiny.

We are all divinity learning to love itself, and all we actually “have to do” is decide that we do love ourselves. That we love every last bit of our naturally subversive, gloriously imperfect and infinitely fragmented divine Self.

Acting on radical acceptance. Demanding revolutionary honesty. Accepting that all progress starts with the infinitesimal fragment that is you, me, or any specified “identity” but that it is always going to ripple out and consequently effect the whole of divine Source. This is the essence of true morality and ethics: making the responsibility of blessing your own.

This is the essence of true morality and ethics: making the responsibility of blessing your own.

We are both separate and unified. Both “I” and the “other.” We must make a choice to sacrifice the temptations of ego and fear conciousness and allow the “I” to live in service of the “other” in order to truly integrate wholeness.

We will always be tempted to be “self-ish,” masquerading as mutations and manipulations of the pure divine Source, but we always have the choice to choose true divine love – the choice to see beyond the limits of our conditions, ego and fear and embrace with all powerful grace the totality of existence, which does include even these “selves,” the “others” and yes, even our “demons” and “monsters.”

Image Source: Unknown (Internet)

Showing up for the Yin yoga class my sister teaches at our local wellness center last night, I was cheerfully greeted by one of my Kundalini teachers at the front desk. “Oh Mayry! I’m so glad you’re here, it’s so good to see you!” Her smile was so big her eyes scrunched together to make room.

Now, this isn’t uncommon for the vibes at Taspens, but last night was also special because I had just officially registered for the Kundalini teacher training course they will be offering in the fall. I beamed right back at her, filled with joy and excitement for being a part of this incredible local tribe.

I was a bit early for the Yin class and began some light conversation. The owner of Taspens and a woman I consider a personal guru of mine joined in as well. She also teaches Kundalini and was excited to let me know a few of my next steps.

“I’ll schedule a call with the teacher for you, to discuss a few things,” she said, and then went on to mention the mandatory Saturday Sadhana practices during the course and signing the code of conduct at the end to get our certification. I nodded along in agreement, smiling.

Suddenly, my attention shifted though, “the code is essentially a commitment to the yogic lifestyle. So, trying for a vegetarian diet, abstaining from drugs…” Right there, “uh oh,” I thought as I shifted uneasily on my feet.

Honoring My Truth

I have been leaning vegetarian for the last dozen years but, no drugs? Given that I just found my hag stone after my plant medicine retreat in June and, according to my own personal beliefs, have thus been officially called to the Shamanic path, I worried this might actually be a problem.

“So…” I started, interrupting the flow of chatter between the teachers, “if I were unable to sign the code because I’ve been called to the Shamanic path, would I still be able to take the course?” I asked, nervously.

Shamanism is a part of my path for sure, but I’ve also been called to Kundalini. Not being able to reconcile the too seemed completely wrong – Pachamama had come to me through Ayahuasca AND through Kundalini, how could they be opposed?

“Yes,” both teachers exclaimed, looking at me and then each other, then back at me. They started, “and it’s just about trying your best, we understand some people have to eat meat for medical reasons… Maybe just try it for 40 days, you might be surprised…”

I cut in again, “I have no problem with the diet, it’s just that… I am called to the utilization of ‘drugs’ on a ceremonial basis for medicinal and religious purposes.” They seemed to finally understand what I meant now, their eyes widening to fully ingest what I was saying. “Oh, no, well – he just wants to get everything out in the open up front so there are no suprises when it’s time to sign the code… But, you will talk to him so you can mention that. If at the end you don’t sign, that will always be your choice to make.” My guru finished, half-smiling.

The big smile returned to my face and both teachers responded with large smiles blooming across theirs as well. “Okay awesome,” I sighed, relieved.

Embracing the Unknown

Now, some may wonder, “what’s the point of taking Kundalini teacher training if you know you won’t be able to get certified?!” And honestly, I don’t blame them.

In this world of achievement laden “value,” it would seem I am setting out to rob myself. After all, the certification is the reason for undergoing any professional training, is it not? Well, I suppose it’s not for me.

Some might say I should just lie, or withhold the truth, sign the code anyway. Others might tell me I need to really consider the code and whether I truly feel called to both of these seemingly “contradictory” paths, or even something to the tune of “perhaps your plant medicine experiences are behind you and this is the next step in your development?” To be sure, I’ve thought all these things for myself already too.

But, I cannot lie. Fundamentally, my commitment to authenticity and truth is what has aligned me with my path, and subsequently both of these paths too. And undoubtedly, I feel beyond called to both of them, I am already connected and intertwined with them spiritually. Finally, given the parts that plant medicine has played in my past, I cannot in good consciousness banish all plant medicines from my life in the future – regardless of how well meaning my intention is in doing so.

No, the mental gymnastics to be done here are not to rectify me to the norm – it’s the opposite. I will be a Kundalini Shaman and I will learn to walk this line with grace and appreciation.

Letting Mayryanna Bloom

Somehow it all seems better suited anyway… I’m not just a guru, I’m a Rockstar Guru. I’m not just a yogi, I’m a Rebel Yogi. I’m not just a Shaman, I’m an Modern Eclectic Pagan Medicine Woman who researches and utilizes a variety of ancient spiritual healing modalities to live my authentically powerful life to the fullest – all without shame, malice or discontentment.

I don’t need a certificate. I will proudly slap “Unofficial” to the front of my teacher title and gratefully explain my why to everyone who cares.

This “inconvenient truth” will not detract from me at all, no. This will only empower me more. By allowing myself unpopular distinctions, I will emerge unparalleled.

By allowing myself unpopular distinctions, I will emerge unparalleled.

So, after some careful reflections and considerations, I’m even more excited to study Kundalini now! Certification shmertification – nothing compares to a soul that fully embraces its fate, inconveniences and all (shout out to Nietzsche for his concept of Amor Fati). I am simply grateful for the opportunity to learn, to grow and to further become this gloriously inglorious woman: Mayryanna.

I think I may officially be too old for traditional camping… Well, at least festival camping, with it’s late nights and early mornings… I am still recuperating from my adventure last week, and on top of being sore and fatigued, I’m also trying to catch up on the things I wasn’t home to do.

The ever-extended task list

I’ve discovered that Sammi has a little infection and that’s why he’s been a recluse, so I’m nursing the poor baby back to health as well as trying to regain my usual momentum around the house. My friend is on me about footage I collected from our performance, meanwhile I haven’t even had time to unpack, let alone think about the footage yet. HW wants to spend time together, as do I. Friends want to hang out. Articles need to be written, web pages need to be updated, collaborators need to be contacted… The list is never ending, but none of that comes before my top priorities are done, all of which (at this time in my life) center around maintaining my grandmother’s home and the office for the family busnesses.

Life keeps going, stuff comes up, plans get changed and added – the reality of being an adult right?! I suppose I know this, I’m not even sure I mind it… But I hate being treated like I am not doing anything whilst simultaneously feeling like I’m drowning beneath my obligations.

The invisible weight of traditional expectations

This is the plight of the householder. This is why women divorce their husbands after all their “nagging” never serves to get them any help with the cooking and cleaning. This is why stay at home moms work the equivalent of 2.5 full time jobsMost of what goes on in the home to keep it comfortable, clean and functional simply goes unnoticed and under appreciated.

It’s not as simple as making a healthy dinner every night, though with dishes and prep that task alone easily takes 2 hours – there’s also the meal planning, grocery shopping and unloading, pantry stocking/food inventory maintenance, kitchen management and cleaning. It’s not as simple as keeping things clean; it’s having a flexible chore schedule, weekly/monthly task lists, and routines to ensure you don’t undo the efforts of one task by completing another out of the preferential order; it’s tidying – all day every day – to maintain the inviting comfort of the home; it’s organizing and reorganizing cabinets, closets and storage; it’s planting and it’s landscaping; it’s laundry and errands; as well as being prepared to stop or pause any of that to be available to others when they stop by for a visit, call to chat or otherwise interrupt your day because “your always home.”

Alienated from comfort and relaxation

Sometimes, as unfortunate as it is, I want to be anywhere but home. Work and home are synonymous for me; if I’m exhausted from a long day, it’s not as simple as leaving the office and kicking my shoes off to relax on the couch. My work, any unfinished chores that were postponed because of someone’s even well-meaning distraction or disruption, and any unchecked task for the day remain front and center in my attention no matter where in the house I try to retreat to for some semblance of peace and tranquility.

There’s a reason they say “a woman’s work is never done:” it’s the truth (of course, this applies to male/nonbinary householders as well). We don’t get to just clock out and check out, we’re always “on.”

Someone’s hungry? Ask the householder what there is to eat and/or to make you something. Someone can’t find something? Ask the householder where in the home to look and/or to get it for you. There’s a mess? Tell the householder and/or leave it for them to deal with at some point. They’ve got nothing better to do than meet all needs of everyone who ever steps foot in the home, right?!

Wrong. We’ve got a lot more going on than just making sure everyone else is comfortable, that everyone else’s needs are met and that the home runs like a “well oiled machine” despite often being the only one bothering to “oil” it or even monitor the “oil” level.

Desperate for recognition

We don’t need people to feel sorry for us. We don’t even need less to do or help doing these things (though that would be amazing). What we do need is appreciation, understanding and consideration. If you’re not helping our efforts, at least be decent enough to not hinder them.

Don’t track mud all over just cleaned floors. Don’t leave dishes strewn about. Don’t just drop your towel, your clothes or your shoes. Stop. Notice. Be grateful.

Go the extra distince and see your householder as more than just your maid/cook. We are people with dreams, hobbies and side hustles. The truth is, we have better things to do than just “take care of everything” so that you “don’t have to worry about anything.” Recognize that. Savor it. Engrain it into your consciousness.

Don’t simply ask us, “what are you going to do today?” Because that’s basically just admitting that you don’t take notice of the millions of tiny, under appreciated yet absolutely essential things we do every day.

Creating the sacred amidst the chaos

I wake up 2-4 hours before my day as a householder starts so that I can take care of me. Working out, doing my Sadhana and hopefully getting in some study or writing in all before my grandma even wakes up. After the day is done and I’ve put away leftovers and cleaned the kitchen for the 3rd or 4th time of the day, I sometimes get a bit more time to work online, read and sometimes even socialize.

These times are carved out purposefully so that I don’t go completely insane, but it’s not a fool proof method. I often feel bad turning down invitations to go out, but I simply have to prioritize my personal projects over entertainment sometimes – especially if my passions have been continually neglected for a while. Other times, I’m just exhausted.

If your householder is acting standoffish, chances are it’s not how they wish things were either. Give them the benefit of the doubt, or better yet, give them a break completely. Dishes aren’t done yet? Do them. Have dirty laundry? Do it yourself. Something needs cleaning? You got it – clean the mess!

Take this as an invitation to appreciate the grace your householder provides you, and to return that grace to them as well. Be patient. Be kind – and for goodness sake, take notice of all they do for you instead of asking “what did you do today?”

Things have been odd lately. I feel as though I should be stressed out… But I’m not.

Maybe it’s a bit of fatalism. Perhaps I have finally surrendered to the perpetual chaos that is human existence. Quite possibly, I have found my way past my desire for control everything and am actually experiencing some sort of existential peace…

Image: internet

Letting the perpetual perpetuate

Regardless, I’m good with it. Didn’t have the free time I’d hoped for to get to some of my projects this weekend – still good with it. Didn’t get everything done on Monday – and I’m good with it. Didn’t get to catch up today – but I’m still good with it. Somehow, despite all the stress I’ve invested in the past that would point to the contrary, I am just not that concerned with getting everything done anymore.

If I don’t do it today, the task will still be there tomorrow. Besides, I tend to overestimate the amount of tasks I’m actually capable of completing in a day before my mind or body taps out… So perhaps I’ve simply stopped insisting on rediculous and self-defeating standards.

Image: internet

Allowing for self-curiosity

I have gotten to some things, I have continued to push forward on many things, and all the rest? I’m observing. I’m watching and taking mental notes: Mayry gets energy from that task, Mayry loses momentum before even starting that task, Mayry seems pretty nutral about this other task… Or my new favorite: Mayry is so excited about this task that she builds it up in her head to the extent of inaction for fear of failure or even fear of applying less-than-desired levels of attention and focus to it because it’s so darn important to her…

Ah, perfection paralysis, my old friend – still hanging around despite my gentle nudges towards the peripherals of my life I see… Well then, s’pose I need to be a little less gentle?

Still… I’m not frustrated with myself, or even bothered by any of this. I’m curious. I’m mindful. I’m learning… And I’m grateful for the opportunity to be all those things, to notice my patterns amidst my growth, and to approach my personal development from a more tranquil and patient place.

Image: internet

Opening to the too-oft’ forgotten joy of being

I haven’t mentioned it in a blog post yet, but I recieved a message from Pachamama last month while meditating on the possibility of attending Apotheosis 4.0 this summer. She wrapped her essence around me while I lay in Shavasana on the yoga studio floor and whispered in my ear: “you will not go as you are. You will go as you be. Come.” Of course, it immediately set me on a course of rediscovering my BEing…

Given the fact that the doors opened for me to attend the retreat this past Sunday, my focus has once again shifted: what happened? What clicked me back into my BEing? What changed?

Beautifully, the answer to all those questions is “not much.” Yet, it is so very much at the same time… My life didn’t suddenly get less stressful, actually it’s been the opposite with my sister moving out – but I didn’t change either, I’m still the Mayry who was laying on that floor a month ago. So, what was the ever-so-subtle change that realigned me with my chosen path? My perspective.

I was so wrapped up in “figuring it out,” how I was going to “make it happen -” even if that just meant mantras and meditation, I was going to “do anything and everything possible” to get myself to Costa Rica in June… I had made it about me, my tools and skills, my options – I was invested in my ego’s ideas about overcoming the obstacles rather than just aligning with my truth and trusting that what is meant for me will be mine.

Pachamama’s riddle preoccupied my egoic logic enough to allow my soul and spirit to repermeate my life. I released myself from the expectations that I had to do something in order to ensure I’d attend the retreat easily, once I realised the desperate vibrations of my grasping mind where the exact obstacles keeping me from my desire.

As above, so below… (Image: internet)

I couldn’t attend Apotheosis as I was, desperately and dillusionally fighting against myself, adding the details and distance between myself and my goal with artistic precision. That Mayry doesn’t commune with the great Earth Goddess Pachamama and her innumerable Fae children in the sanctuary of the jungle – she stays at home, figuring and stressing, becoming all too acquainted with her limitations and the obstacles she blames for keeping her there.

But the Mayry that BEs? Well, she’s this Mayry – the one who can’t always explain or understand her blessings, but accepts and appreciates them anyway. The Mayry that knows, beyond any doubt or delusion, that she is worthy, loved and cared for immensely by this Divinely orchestrated existence no matter how much or how little she does in her life. The Mayry that doesn’t stress over tasks because she knows things are only as important as she makes them, and she chooses to invest in her soul’s peace, love and harmony instead of her ego’s outlandish standards and lists.

Surrendering to deep relaxation

One of my favorite yoga teachers and a personal Guru of mine always says, “deep relaxation is who you really are, tension is who you think you are supposed to be.” Laying on the floor in corpse pose, it’s easy to think this only applies to your body as your muscles slowly melt – yet, I have learned this past month that this truth is so much more. Tranquility of mind, peace in the face of challenges, flowing through obstacles with grace – it’s all just a matter of perspective. So BE, and let blessings be.

Aaand because it is still April, here’s a fun little video of me and my good friend Boots, not being bothered: