Tag: links

When all else fails, enjoy yourself anyway

Things have been odd lately. I feel as though I should be stressed out… But I’m not.

Maybe it’s a bit of fatalism. Perhaps I have finally surrendered to the perpetual chaos that is human existence. Quite possibly, I have found my way past my desire for control everything and am actually experiencing some sort of existential peace…

Image: internet

Letting the perpetual perpetuate

Regardless, I’m good with it. Didn’t have the free time I’d hoped for to get to some of my projects this weekend – still good with it. Didn’t get everything done on Monday – and I’m good with it. Didn’t get to catch up today – but I’m still good with it. Somehow, despite all the stress I’ve invested in the past that would point to the contrary, I am just not that concerned with getting everything done anymore.

If I don’t do it today, the task will still be there tomorrow. Besides, I tend to overestimate the amount of tasks I’m actually capable of completing in a day before my mind or body taps out… So perhaps I’ve simply stopped insisting on rediculous and self-defeating standards.

Image: internet

Allowing for self-curiosity

I have gotten to some things, I have continued to push forward on many things, and all the rest? I’m observing. I’m watching and taking mental notes: Mayry gets energy from that task, Mayry loses momentum before even starting that task, Mayry seems pretty nutral about this other task… Or my new favorite: Mayry is so excited about this task that she builds it up in her head to the extent of inaction for fear of failure or even fear of applying less-than-desired levels of attention and focus to it because it’s so darn important to her…

Ah, perfection paralysis, my old friend – still hanging around despite my gentle nudges towards the peripherals of my life I see… Well then, s’pose I need to be a little less gentle?

Still… I’m not frustrated with myself, or even bothered by any of this. I’m curious. I’m mindful. I’m learning… And I’m grateful for the opportunity to be all those things, to notice my patterns amidst my growth, and to approach my personal development from a more tranquil and patient place.

Image: internet

Opening to the too-oft’ forgotten joy of being

I haven’t mentioned it in a blog post yet, but I recieved a message from Pachamama last month while meditating on the possibility of attending Apotheosis 4.0 this summer. She wrapped her essence around me while I lay in Shavasana on the yoga studio floor and whispered in my ear: “you will not go as you are. You will go as you be. Come.” Of course, it immediately set me on a course of rediscovering my BEing…

Given the fact that the doors opened for me to attend the retreat this past Sunday, my focus has once again shifted: what happened? What clicked me back into my BEing? What changed?

Beautifully, the answer to all those questions is “not much.” Yet, it is so very much at the same time… My life didn’t suddenly get less stressful, actually it’s been the opposite with my sister moving out – but I didn’t change either, I’m still the Mayry who was laying on that floor a month ago. So, what was the ever-so-subtle change that realigned me with my chosen path? My perspective.

I was so wrapped up in “figuring it out,” how I was going to “make it happen -” even if that just meant mantras and meditation, I was going to “do anything and everything possible” to get myself to Costa Rica in June… I had made it about me, my tools and skills, my options – I was invested in my ego’s ideas about overcoming the obstacles rather than just aligning with my truth and trusting that what is meant for me will be mine.

Pachamama’s riddle preoccupied my egoic logic enough to allow my soul and spirit to repermeate my life. I released myself from the expectations that I had to do something in order to ensure I’d attend the retreat easily, once I realised the desperate vibrations of my grasping mind where the exact obstacles keeping me from my desire.

As above, so below… (Image: internet)

I couldn’t attend Apotheosis as I was, desperately and dillusionally fighting against myself, adding the details and distance between myself and my goal with artistic precision. That Mayry doesn’t commune with the great Earth Goddess Pachamama and her innumerable Fae children in the sanctuary of the jungle – she stays at home, figuring and stressing, becoming all too acquainted with her limitations and the obstacles she blames for keeping her there.

But the Mayry that BEs? Well, she’s this Mayry – the one who can’t always explain or understand her blessings, but accepts and appreciates them anyway. The Mayry that knows, beyond any doubt or delusion, that she is worthy, loved and cared for immensely by this Divinely orchestrated existence no matter how much or how little she does in her life. The Mayry that doesn’t stress over tasks because she knows things are only as important as she makes them, and she chooses to invest in her soul’s peace, love and harmony instead of her ego’s outlandish standards and lists.

Surrendering to deep relaxation

One of my favorite yoga teachers and a personal Guru of mine always says, “deep relaxation is who you really are, tension is who you think you are supposed to be.” Laying on the floor in corpse pose, it’s easy to think this only applies to your body as your muscles slowly melt – yet, I have learned this past month that this truth is so much more. Tranquility of mind, peace in the face of challenges, flowing through obstacles with grace – it’s all just a matter of perspective. So BE, and let blessings be.

Aaand because it is still April, here’s a fun little video of me and my good friend Boots, not being bothered:

Dreams do come true

Sitting at my desk in the Orientation and Transition Programs office of Colorado State University, I browsed StumbleUpon intermittently between my office management duties and planning my transfer mentor activities and meetings. I clicked through an endless stream of beautiful pictures and funny videos, as well as the occasional article… For all intents and purposes, I was wasting time.

However, one of those unassuming days nearly a half-dozen years ago, I stumbled across something that would ultimately change my life: High Existence. This progressive, philosophy filled, mind-bending and spirit-evoking website reached out to me from the endless abyss of the world wide web and gave me hope… There were other people out there asking weird questions and exploring the infinity of possibility!?

Not for lack of doubting

Today, I received word that MY first article written for High Existence has been published. The amount of honor and gratitude I feel are astronomical.

When I was asked to write for the website a couple months ago, I was absolutely elated – but this feeling is something else entirely. There’s a weight of accomplishment accompanying it that far exceeds the final word count of the article…

Indeed, it was months ago that I was given the opportunity to write for HE. Despite studying creative writing in university, writing online professionally before and even writing every day for years, it took serious time for me to write this piece.

After the initial shock and awe wore off, I was terrified. I was confronted by my limiting beliefs, self-doubt and self-sabotage… I got one topic approved, wrote an article and then another, so dissatisfied and insecure – I eventually trashed the entire topic and all those efforts in order to avoid complete, self-inflicted burnout and overwhelm.

The published article did come from my second approved topic, but it was still the third conceptualization of that idea. Even after finally submitting it, I still hadn’t shaken all of my doubts and fears about it’s content and quality. Yet – here it is today, live for myself and the entire internet to see: Dymistifying Magick.

My article on the front page of High Existence 🙏

A global tribe; a universal family

The absolute truth is that without the support and encouragement of my creativity coach Jordan Bates, the accountability and inspiration of my fellow creative muses Maria and Mayella, the love and community of our Apotheosis family as well as the guidance of the High Existence team, I would not have succeeded in overcoming my personal dialogs of self-depreciation. This article is a tribute to each and every one of these incredible world changers.

It is also a love letter to any soul seeking the incredibly blessed (high)existence that I have found because of this website. How privilaged, that I might offer the same hope that I experienced all those years ago to others through my own words.

It may have started with just curiosity, just a small bit of hope, but that seemingly “wasted” time that led me to discovering HE has become some of the most profoundly meaningful time I’ve ever spent in my life. That boredom-fulled curiosity ultimately freed my soul, nourished my spirit, challenged my mind, comforted my heart and impassioned my life… My curiosity led me HOME.

Beyond all my wildest expectations

This time last year I was preparing to attend Apotheosis 1.0 in Costa Rica. I had seen that HE was offering a retreat and simply had to apply – very few things have felt so necessary in my life.

I was accepted to attend and I almost couldn’t believe it. I was finally going to meet these like-spirited people I’d been reading articles from for all these years. My excitement wasn’t quantifiable or understandable, even by me, yet it could have never been a sufficient match for the amount of blessing I was about to receive.

Apotheosis changed my life (my next article I’m working on for HE goes into this in depth). Apotheosis hasn’t stopped changing my life… Even this blog is a result of that retreat (and of that fateful internet browsing all those years back).

The relationships I developed at 1.0 and then further nurtured at the second retreat in Amsterdam last fall, the vulnerability and support of this incredible community, the accessibility and grace of the HE team and retreat facilitators… My gratitude and astonishment are beyond words… I have been given so much by something I could have just as easily ignored.

And so, I’d like to leave you with a challenge: dare to let life surprise you with its blessings – follow your curiosity, take risks and trust in your soul’s authentic journey. You never know which small things will the biggest differences.

My bio for HE