felt you aching
holding back
your rythm 
staying hidden

it took pain
to break you
open you to 
what love is
what it means
to sacrifice 
happiness –

for mourning 
but that is
gonna feel it
getting realer 
grief is that
other side

the cost of
love – missing
even the void
even the ache
even the stutter
even the brake

all because, oh!
love, the love –
gloriously painful 
achingly beautiful 
eternally devastating 
infinitely generating 
divinely inspired 

center of everything –
what can i withhold 
i offer all, trembling 
take my life
take my truth
take my pain
take my hope

your ways stab
straight to soul
beyond to more
deep to core
and you make 
all life’s having

“The presence of Love will always cast out fear.”

The Universe Has Your Back Deck
The Universe Has Your Back Deck

As Jupiter completes its crossing of the Galactic Center, I wanted to request a message from the Divine regarding the manifestation potentiality of this transit. I recieved the simple, yet sophisticated response above.

As we process through the heavyweight soul lessons of life, we can also allow ourselves to be lifted, inspired and transformed, not in spite of but because of our tribulations and challenges. In all things and at all times, seek Love. Hard, tough, ugly, raw, real and revolutionary Love.

I have two loving, aware, compassionate, snarky and personality-filled familiars:

“Really May? Right up in our faces today?!”
My Lucas (left) & Sammi (right)

They aren’t my pets, but they are my partners. They mostly prefer to be indoors and are genuinely appreciative of my hospitality, never shying away from requesting their favorite foods or a full body massage, but they also like to wander sometimes. I let them out to explore this mountain top because I want them to remain autonomous – the times they haven’t returned for a night or more I have been concerned, but they have indeed always come back.

They don’t belong to me, but they are mine in the same way I am theirs. We sincerly love and appreciate one other. Our souls nurturing and nourishing each other’s.

I found Lucas when he was just days old, at the bottom of a box of junk where his too-young mother couldn’t get to him. He would’ve died if I hadn’t “gotten a feeling” to look in that obscure place for something I didn’t *know* existed. He has been my ride-or-die kitteh baby ever since, helping through some of the most difficult and painful times of my life. He has been the medicine for my aching heart, pillow to catch my tears and most trusted confidant – I owe that cat the world. Such an amazing friend.

Sammi came to me in college from a sorted past with a bit of trauma already. His brother Salvatore was with him initially but died due to complications from his own past trauma just 6 months later. Despite his short life, he was loved dearly and is still very missed.

Sammi doesn’t let his own past or grief hold him back at all and inspires me with his silly, kind and curious nature. He is the first to greet anyone through the door, very vocal, affectionate and has softened some of the most bitter blows in my adult life with loud purrs during under the covers cuddles. He is a true treasure and encouragement in my life every day.

I consider anyone who gets to meet my cats very lucky, and if on the rare case they don’t like someone, I always take note. They are more than just animals, they are my teachers and companions. I am blessed to have been chosen to take this soul journey with such compassionate and generous beings.

Sammi and Lucas 6 years ago – they’ve always been my little shnuggle butts

I’ve taken many trips

solo and group adventures

Trekked across foreign lands

found secrets in my backyard

I’ve seen oceans vast 

explored scorched deserts

Hoofed cities of all sizes

climbed treeless peaks

I’ve always enjoyed myself

with or without company

Never dissuaded from going

if only for being alone

Yet here I am in uncharted territory 

as we fly together to your childhood home

I feel unusually nervous 

for the simplest of our plans

The butterflies in my stomach

wakened from their long rest

I feel restless and silly

overthinking mindless tasks

Lucky to have your hand

guiding me through this

I take comfort in your smile

the way your eyes say they know

Your gentleness so assuring 

amidst my fears so vulnerable

So here we go into alien experience 

flying together bravely into the unknown –

Here’s an old song, written by another mayryanna who was married to a man she thought she might die for… Fortunately she was saved and has become a new person entirely, but the past still remains, and thus these words and refrains live on

More than I could ever Promise

Remembering those crazy things we’ve said and done

Back in the day, screaming face, a loaded gun

We gave it our all, the blood, sweat, and tears, dripping with passion and unspoken fears – but oh it was real, it was real, it was real

And oh we were crazy in love, and we were so angry in love – 

We were madly, madly, madly – we were so mad to be in love

And we were insanely in love, no we just couldn’t get enough

Even if we didn’t know it then…

The stitches came out and the bruises healed, it was time for fun

Popping and smoking, couldn’t stop driving toward th’ sun

We just had to try, the pills, drinks, and lies, ignoring all reason and cautionary cries – 

But oh it was real, it was real, it was real

And oh we were daring in love, and we were so nasty in love – 

We were badly, badly, badly – yea we were bad to be in love

And we were so tragically in love, we just couldn’t get enough

Even if we should’ve known it then…

Waiting at home, the call didn’t come ’til 5am

Thrashing and screaming, the pain more real than it had ever been

I’d promised you then, as I’ve promised you now, never to leave, I’m holding it down –

And oh it is real, it is real, it is real

And oh I am patient in love, and I am faithful  in love – 

Even when sadly, sadly, sadly – it is so sad to be in love

And I am unwavering in love, I could never get enough

And baby don’t we know it now

And maybe at one time, they were only words, but I know now beyond all doubt that it’s true – and when you ask me if I love you, you know exactly what I’ll say

More baby, more baby, more than I could ever promise baby 

‘Cause this is real, this is real, it’s so real

And oh we are so happy in love, and we are enjoying our love – 

We are gladly, gladly, gladly – yea we are glad to be in love

And we are completely in love, we will never get enough

No, no, no, I just can’t get enough-

I’ll never, never, never have enough-

Of you…

The tattoo on my right hip, in Italian, translated: “… more than I can infinitely promise”