Tag: monsters

Voluntarily Discomfort in Paradise

“Huuuecckkeghhh-ughhh… HUUUECKKEGHHH!” My whole body shakes as I purge violently into my bucket. There’s nothing in my stomach anymore, the Aya has moved through my system and I’m just emitting bile now. My mouth tastes sour and bitter but I can’t drink water yet… Everytime I open my eyes I feel dizzy and ungrounded by their inability to focus as infinite geometric fractals take over my surroundings. “Thank you mama… thank you.”

The House of Masters – Imiloa Institute, Costa Rica

With eyes closed, falling back onto my sweat-soaked mattress next to more than 30 other friends (who were just strangers days ago) on the yoga deck in the Costa Rican jungle, I begin to undergo visuals of exponentially greater intensity and depth once more. I’ve been journeying for what seems like days, but really only an hour or two had passed. I am transported beyond the boundaries of my perception, into the space of existence where the overwhelming unity of Source converges and separation completely dissolves. Pachamama revealing the intricacies of her boundless power and love in every variety of expression.

Image Credit: Fuego Brew Co., Dominical Costa Rica

This is our second Ayahuasca ceremony on this retreat and it had been nothing like my first experience last year or my experience during this week’s first ceremony. My intention this time was “expansiveness” and oh did I recieved it fully. Laying there, feeling as though every cell in my body were vibrating, I pondered drinking a second cup of the medicine – though even the thought made me feel as if I might die.

“This,” I thought, “this I how I conquer fear…” Preparing myself to accept the challenge whilst Pachamama soothingly comforted me in the back of my mind, “you can drink if you want, but you don’t have to,” I knew, the answers to my intention laid just beyond this fear. I had to push my limit and drink again.

Image Credit: Fuego Brew Co., Dominical Costa Rica

The second cup was gritty, filled with remnants of the holy vine. I braced myself add I returned to my mattress… But nothing happened. I felt better – actually, I felt amazing.

I would still be journeying for about 4 more hours, and it would remain full of psychedelic wonder and more purging, but I was able to regain some grace. I felt strong. I felt proud.

I would under go a series of “downloads” the rest of the night, receiving divine messages about my life, my purpose and my path. My future became clear. My past, my excuses and my fears now all obsolete.

During the night I would visit my loved ones, both alive and dead, to express my gratitude, love and even my grief. “It is an honor to mourn you,” would become a mantra as I kissed the faces of friends and family who had long gone. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” falling evermore from my tongue.

I kissed monsters and communed with the goddess in her ever-changing forms. My heart was opened to the endless expanses of possibility and I gained new appreciation for the spaces of infinity and creation that are Pachamama’s domain. I experienced true, unbridled and uncontained power, drinking deep of endless glories.

It was so hard.

It was so ugly.

It was so divine.

It was so beautiful.

I wish for a world where everyone understands that discomfort is the price of legendary. And fear is just growth coming to get you.

~ Robin S. Sharma


My eyes are obsessively scrolling
Inundated with countless images
Transvexed by continual movement
Mindless impluses driving my sight
Everything is lost in oversaturation


Pacing, pacing, pacing
Pacing, I’m still pacing
Ringing out my hands
Is there no where to go?
Is there nothing to do?


I’m not given any answers
My questions lost but to me
Serving only lonely laughter
Providing only distractions
Creating the chaos I crave


Back and forth and back
And forth and back and
Where am I, why am I here?
How long have I been here?
What was I trying to do?
More, more, more and more
Still they keep coming, fast
Faster than my eyes, endless
No stop to the flow of faces
Each staring carelessly back


I’m hungry and unsatisfied
There is something craving
Deep in me I feel it growing
Insatiable instincts within me
Like a madness I must scream


Banging, banging, banging BANG!
I’m trowing myself against it all
My objectified body rebelling
I can’t control the rage building
I have got to get the fuck out!


The faces smile until I growl
But they are quick to contort
Once confronted by my primal
They let their own demons show
Justifying their lies with more


Round and round and round and
Blindly watching me walk in circles
Ignoring the truth flinch in their guts
They must know they make me crazy
Nurturing the ravenous they condemn


Doesn’t matter that I’m dying here
As long as they don’t feel guilty –
They’ll keep making the reasons
To not have to face me straight on
Yet somehow I’m still “less then”


Let me out of this cage, I dare!
Face me, look in my eyes and see
Remove these bars of expectation
Tear down walls of manufactured fear
I may be a monster, but so are you dear