Another old poem, but this one is just from a couple years ago:

you conflict me 

each and every

time – has nothing 

on the way you

play with my mind

before, now and

I’m sure again

I’ll be surprised by

the look of your

eyes, your smile

truth is: I love you 

maybe more than

I want to – because

having you would

be so easy, in theory

I value you too

much yet, I want

more than I should

if I was really just

a good friend

I’m afraid of what

you could do to me

but I desire to let

you destroy that

timidity in my heart

truth is: I have always

kept this secret

from you – for you

because you and

I can’t – can we?

do you think there

is freedom in 

surrendering to

possibilities of

our brokenness?

truth is: I care

more than would

be wise if I had

hope of remaining 

detached from us

truth is: I love you

truth is: I need your

happiness more

than my own and

truth is: I’m scared

This poem was originally written as an assignment for one of my poetry classes in college, but I have always loved it as more than just something I “had to do…”

Poetry Journal: Contemplations Two

I am the compere, look at me – ignore the movement of the periphery 

Dressed in red, but sequined to be color-unidentifiable

It’s all about the distraction of the eye- if you don’t look, you won’t see

The shadowed movement serving, all feeding back into the show

Give me lights, give me camera, give me action; any more perspective you could throw

It is my art and my burden, my lie and my curtin – it is the only life I know

So I smile bright, and big and white – I dive into their emotion

The ooohs and aaahs, their sighs and laughs – their response my motivation

I feel their attention enter in through my pores – the cycle of energy ever returning

Their addiction a mere distraction, as my reason is facade

Yet we feel for each other a love for which Right itself has no claim

It’s that dangerous delusion, the tingle between your legs – it’s the daring leap for freedom as the train careens for the track’s sudden end

Like breathing, it’s like feeling, it’s like a child taking it all in…

And with each temporary beauty – the eternal is felt anew once again

So with the eyes like penetration, they watch my each and every move – their focus, my undulation; their quiver to drive me forward

Now give me your applause! Let the lightning and the shock, let the melting, let the hum…

Here’s an old song, written by another mayryanna who was married to a man she thought she might die for… Fortunately she was saved and has become a new person entirely, but the past still remains, and thus these words and refrains live on

More than I could ever Promise

Remembering those crazy things we’ve said and done

Back in the day, screaming face, a loaded gun

We gave it our all, the blood, sweat, and tears, dripping with passion and unspoken fears – but oh it was real, it was real, it was real

And oh we were crazy in love, and we were so angry in love – 

We were madly, madly, madly – we were so mad to be in love

And we were insanely in love, no we just couldn’t get enough

Even if we didn’t know it then…

The stitches came out and the bruises healed, it was time for fun

Popping and smoking, couldn’t stop driving toward th’ sun

We just had to try, the pills, drinks, and lies, ignoring all reason and cautionary cries – 

But oh it was real, it was real, it was real

And oh we were daring in love, and we were so nasty in love – 

We were badly, badly, badly – yea we were bad to be in love

And we were so tragically in love, we just couldn’t get enough

Even if we should’ve known it then…

Waiting at home, the call didn’t come ’til 5am

Thrashing and screaming, the pain more real than it had ever been

I’d promised you then, as I’ve promised you now, never to leave, I’m holding it down –

And oh it is real, it is real, it is real

And oh I am patient in love, and I am faithful  in love – 

Even when sadly, sadly, sadly – it is so sad to be in love

And I am unwavering in love, I could never get enough

And baby don’t we know it now

And maybe at one time, they were only words, but I know now beyond all doubt that it’s true – and when you ask me if I love you, you know exactly what I’ll say

More baby, more baby, more than I could ever promise baby 

‘Cause this is real, this is real, it’s so real

And oh we are so happy in love, and we are enjoying our love – 

We are gladly, gladly, gladly – yea we are glad to be in love

And we are completely in love, we will never get enough

No, no, no, I just can’t get enough-

I’ll never, never, never have enough-

Of you…

The tattoo on my right hip, in Italian, translated: “… more than I can infinitely promise”

I heard a song
Deep in the forest

Like soft whispers
Not all can hear it

Notes held out long
Harmonies chilling

Melody winding
Wrapped all up in it

Trees and flowers
Leaves and the faeries

Bird’s tune, wind’s blow
All joining in it

I danced along
Complete surrender

Bliss filled my heart
Felt myself floating

Gave my control
Let go of knowing

This is true love
Dirty life growing

Far-deep within
Beyond all my sense

I found magick
Remembered power

Gained truth and peace
In these still moments

Sing them again
Forest lullabies

Always the same
Forever different

Sing them again
Forest lullabies

Always the same
Forever different

For those of you that didn’t know, I was married once. He was someone I tried to save from himself, and I lost myself in the process. Still, it’s all been for the best, making me the woman I am.

So, here’s an old poem – from a past I barely recognize:

I fell in love with a con man

He was lying the very day we met

Told me twists and turns of detailed stories, only partial truths or complete bullshit

He’d learned the hard way, of that much there was proof, and so I went along hoping every last word was truth

From behind big blue eyes, he swept me away – what can I say, that con man’s words made me want to play his game

The way he loved me was incredible, made me feel like when he held me he was coming home –

Ecstasy soon turning into a bad trip, a deadly rollar coaster, but I still rode with him –

I fell in love with a criminal, a man who’d done what he thought he had to do, and he’d done it far too many times to realize he could choose –

The lies started to bleed and I began to feed on delirium, insecurity overcoming me making me come unhinged

Something about the way he laughed when he was truly happy, the way his eyes devoured my body and the touch of his hands!

I fell in love with a blue eyed devil, a class act playgirl fantasy

I let him lead me astray, keeping his secrets to this very day, despite his most brazen offenses against me –

I fell in love with a con man, how could I have expected any different?

I couldn’t blame him for his sorted past

Or the hurt little boy who was always staring back

I felt his pain, or at least the parts he wanted me to

I fell in love with a con man, and I always knew –

Yea, somehow I always knew, and I still laid myself bare, daring him to make his move and finally prove that the love he said he for me was as true…

Still, I knew… Still it burned, as his fiery heart consumed – all I had…

Ooh, I was conned by the man I loved – I listened and then got learned…

I thought I knew, thought if I could be bad too he couldn’t hurt me the way that he did…

I gave my innocence to a grand larcenist, ooh I watched as he drank me in and what came back out was stronger, but more putrid too…

Ooh that criminal, I’m that Casanova’s fool –

I learned to love from a con man – he taught me to trust and then how to break it bad…

Don’t you dare

Don’t you entertain –

‘Cause even though I may seem sweet and lovely – I can guarantee that you don’t want to play this game –

I’ve been tainted and mamed 

Ooh oh oh oh – run away