For those of you that didn’t know, I was married once. He was someone I tried to save from himself, and I lost myself in the process. Still, it’s all been for the best, making me the woman I am.

So, here’s an old poem – from a past I barely recognize:

I fell in love with a con man

He was lying the very day we met


Told me twists and turns of detailed stories, only partial truths or complete bullshit


He’d learned the hard way, of that much there was proof, and so I went along hoping every last word was truth


From behind big blue eyes, he swept me away – what can I say, that con man’s words made me want to play his game


The way he loved me was incredible, made me feel like when he held me he was coming home –


Ecstasy soon turning into a bad trip, a deadly rollar coaster, but I still rode with him –


I fell in love with a criminal, a man who’d done what he thought he had to do, and he’d done it far too many times to realize he could choose –

The lies started to bleed and I began to feed on delirium, insecurity overcoming me making me come unhinged


Something about the way he laughed when he was truly happy, the way his eyes devoured my body and the touch of his hands!


I fell in love with a blue eyed devil, a class act playgirl fantasy

I let him lead me astray, keeping his secrets to this very day, despite his most brazen offenses against me –


I fell in love with a con man, how could I have expected any different?


I couldn’t blame him for his sorted past

Or the hurt little boy who was always staring back


I felt his pain, or at least the parts he wanted me to

I fell in love with a con man, and I always knew –


Yea, somehow I always knew, and I still laid myself bare, daring him to make his move and finally prove that the love he said he for me was as true…


Still, I knew… Still it burned, as his fiery heart consumed – all I had…

Ooh, I was conned by the man I loved – I listened and then got learned…

I thought I knew, thought if I could be bad too he couldn’t hurt me the way that he did…


I gave my innocence to a grand larcenist, ooh I watched as he drank me in and what came back out was stronger, but more putrid too…


Ooh that criminal, I’m that Casanova’s fool –


I learned to love from a con man – he taught me to trust and then how to break it bad…


Don’t you dare

Don’t you entertain –


‘Cause even though I may seem sweet and lovely – I can guarantee that you don’t want to play this game –

I’ve been tainted and mamed 


Ooh oh oh oh – run away

sitting: mostly behaved

mostly silent, in a corner


watching: everything

the movement all over


wispers trickle through

twining twisted wickedness


voices about voices

words about words


caught up in our meta

we: beta: creating data


obsessed with: making

meaning from dry bones


our blood: running both

hot and cold; no warmth


too many passions to be

passionately free – simply


yet, here is the “somehow”

we have the real magick


sure we’re still playing, but

at least we know: we’re playing!


we know enough to “cheat”

we know how to challenge


and challenge, oh, we do

we challenge ourselves


ever tearing open, just to bleed

falling to feel the air beneath us


taking risk after risk, forever

daring fortune to favor us –

Poem for my 11 years younger self, as she sat on the beach of Australia’s gold coast – still afraid of her dreams:

Oh my precious
how I have enjoyed
learning to love you
heal you
grow you

Oh my beloved
the pains survived
the choices made
decisions
mistakes

Oh my darling
how you thrill me
your unrelenting soul
your fire
your Love

I am yours and better to be
honored to be, enveloped by you
blissfully romanced and entranced
by all that you are and the endlessness
of all – you dare to be – beloved, precious darling

October 2008, I was 20…

why are you still grasping
when you already know?
your fingers feel so much more
the gentler they flow
over top and in between
when they’re free to roam every intricacy –
scratchy-catchy wool finding tiny skin-hooks
the chill of morning caught in the glass of windows
the way skin feels both cool and hot at the same time
tracing the textures of intimacy in piles of pillows –

why are you still chasing
when you are already sure?
your feet go so much further
the more purposeful they dance
around mountains and through trees
when they’re free to find every adventure –
Faery castles made of rocks, leaves and pinecones
birds and creatures coming ’round to great you
the way earth feels both warm and cold at the same time
the textures of dirt squishing under your toes

why are you still grasping
when you already know?
why are you still chasing
when you are already sure?