I’ve been having trouble keeping up with blogging this week – though I think it’s a side effect of some sort of bigger picture… I’ve been tired, like abnormally, deeply and saturatingly tired. I “feel it in my soul” kinda tired.
I think I know why too. My sister and her husband left to do some visits with their missions supporters, and my exhaustion hit at the exact moment they left the house. My hypothesis is, knowing myself, I have been “on” since I got home from retreat. First it was the stress of making sure my grandmother was recuperating and catching up on things that didn’t get done while I was away, and then once my sister showed up a week later I was thoroughly distracted a d kept busy with family visits an my mom’s birthday. It’s like me to forget myself when I’m focused on being “on” for others.
So when I was finally given some space to collect myself, I found myself spent and utterly exhausted. I’ve been going to bed early, I’ve been waking up late, I’ve been skipping workouts, I’ve been forgetting to blog – and I feel great about all of it.
I don’t have the convenience of simply focusing on my needs all the time, and that’s okay. At this time in my life I get to be more invested in my family and I’m grateful for that. Perhaps one day I’ll have all of my own time to invest in myself, but I’m certainly content that it’s not right now.
Still, that being said, I’m learning to no longer resent myself for needing to go deep on my self-care sometimes – even when that just looks like taking a few steps back and going slower, getting more sleep and relaxing my own standards and expectations for a little while. This alone is a miracle. I’m really quite the expert at being hard on myself.
Even just a year ago, I was beating myself up non-stop for not reaching ridiculous goals I had set for myself. Now, I do still like having ridiculous goals, but I’m much more reasonable and understanding when they need to be adjusted. My flexibility is improving.
I haven’t been fighting this exhaustion because I know that I must feel this way for a reason. If there is a reason for my tiredness, it makes sense to honor it – even if it’s not ideal and is otherwise disrupting my plans. Looking back today, feeling much more rested after a few days of extra sleep, I can see how I haven’t had a break to begin integrating my retreat yet – so of course I’m exhausted!
Apart from all the spiritual, mental and emotional lessons I underwent just a few weeks ago, I also had a very physical experience as well. I felt as though every cell in my body had been upgraded – and that’s going to require an adjustment period!
Coming out of the fog of these past few days, I’m feeling much more capable and thinking much clearer. Where would I be if I hadn’t let myself rest though? Based on past experiences, I know I’d be frustrated and annoyed with myself, and I’d also still be tired instead of looking ahead to starting July feeling fresh and focused.
I’m so grateful that I’m learning how to be better than perfect. I am so thankful that I’m learning to take back my time. I am so appreciative of myself and the difficulties I have undergone in order to make myself stronger, as well as more sensitive.
Things have been odd lately. I feel as though I should be stressed out… But I’m not.
Maybe it’s a bit of fatalism. Perhaps I have finally surrendered to the perpetual chaos that is human existence. Quite possibly, I have found my way past my desire for control everything and am actually experiencing some sort of existential peace…
Letting the perpetual perpetuate
Regardless, I’m good with it. Didn’t have the free time I’d hoped for to get to some of my projects this weekend – still good with it. Didn’t get everything done on Monday – and I’m good with it. Didn’t get to catch up today – but I’m still good with it. Somehow, despite all the stress I’ve invested in the past that would point to the contrary, I am just not that concerned with getting everything done anymore.
If I don’t do it today, the task will still be there tomorrow. Besides, I tend to overestimate the amount of tasks I’m actually capable of completing in a day before my mind or body taps out… So perhaps I’ve simply stopped insisting on rediculous and self-defeating standards.
Allowing for self-curiosity
I have gotten to some things, I have continued to push forward on many things, and all the rest? I’m observing. I’m watching and taking mental notes: Mayry gets energy from that task, Mayry loses momentum before even starting that task, Mayry seems pretty nutral about this other task… Or my new favorite: Mayry is so excited about this task that she builds it up in her head to the extent of inaction for fear of failure or even fear of applying less-than-desired levels of attention and focus to it because it’s so darn important to her…
Ah, perfection paralysis, my old friend – still hanging around despite my gentle nudges towards the peripherals of my life I see… Well then, s’pose I need to be a little less gentle?
Still… I’m not frustrated with myself, or even bothered by any of this. I’m curious. I’m mindful. I’m learning… And I’m grateful for the opportunity to be all those things, to notice my patterns amidst my growth, and to approach my personal development from a more tranquil and patient place.
Opening to the too-oft’ forgotten joy of being
I haven’t mentioned it in a blog post yet, but I recieved a message from Pachamama last month while meditating on the possibility of attending Apotheosis 4.0 this summer. She wrapped her essence around me while I lay in Shavasana on the yoga studio floor and whispered in my ear: “you will not go as you are. You will go as you be. Come.” Of course, it immediately set me on a course of rediscovering my BEing…
Given the fact that the doors opened for me to attend the retreat this past Sunday, my focus has once again shifted: what happened? What clicked me back into my BEing? What changed?
Beautifully, the answer to all those questions is “not much.” Yet, it is so very much at the same time… My life didn’t suddenly get less stressful, actually it’s been the opposite with my sister moving out – but I didn’t change either, I’m still the Mayry who was laying on that floor a month ago. So, what was the ever-so-subtle change that realigned me with my chosen path? My perspective.
I was so wrapped up in “figuring it out,” how I was going to “make it happen -” even if that just meant mantras and meditation, I was going to “do anything and everything possible” to get myself to Costa Rica in June… I had made it about me, my tools and skills, my options – I was invested in my ego’s ideas about overcoming the obstacles rather than just aligning with my truth and trusting that what is meant for me will be mine.
Pachamama’s riddle preoccupied my egoic logic enough to allow my soul and spirit to repermeate my life. I released myself from the expectations that I had to do something in order to ensure I’d attend the retreat easily, once I realised the desperate vibrations of my grasping mind where the exact obstacles keeping me from my desire.
I couldn’t attend Apotheosis as I was, desperately and dillusionally fighting against myself, adding the details and distance between myself and my goal with artistic precision. That Mayry doesn’t commune with the great Earth Goddess Pachamama and her innumerable Fae children in the sanctuary of the jungle – she stays at home, figuring and stressing, becoming all too acquainted with her limitations and the obstacles she blames for keeping her there.
But the Mayry that BEs? Well, she’s this Mayry – the one who can’t always explain or understand her blessings, but accepts and appreciates them anyway. The Mayry that knows, beyond any doubt or delusion, that she is worthy, loved and cared for immensely by this Divinely orchestrated existence no matter how much or how little she does in her life. The Mayry that doesn’t stress over tasks because she knows things are only as important as she makes them, and she chooses to invest in her soul’s peace, love and harmony instead of her ego’s outlandish standards and lists.
Surrendering to deep relaxation
One of my favorite yoga teachers and a personal Guru of mine always says, “deep relaxation is who you really are, tension is who you think you are supposed to be.” Laying on the floor in corpse pose, it’s easy to think this only applies to your body as your muscles slowly melt – yet, I have learned this past month that this truth is so much more. Tranquility of mind, peace in the face of challenges, flowing through obstacles with grace – it’s all just a matter of perspective. So BE, and let blessings be.
Aaand because it is still April, here’s a fun little video of me and my good friend Boots, not being bothered:
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