A soulful homecoming

Like the gentle yet persistent bubbling of a refreshing mountain spring, the joy and bliss in my heart enveloped me completely as we began our decent into San Jose this morning. Costa Rica, my beloved, how I’ve missed you! I hadn’t even realized how much until the tears started forming in my eyes.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you…” Overcome with gratitude for the opportunity to come back here again, I whispered my blessings to the clouds and mountains, and even to the big metal birds that provided my transport to this magical land.

Pura vida indeed. I hadn’t even touched down and already I was feeling the infectious soulfulness and spirit of this place… “This is truly Pachamama country,” I breathed to myself, absolutely elated at the thought.

Flying in to San Jose

Remembering the ease of spirit enraptured

Maybe it’s not like this for everyone, but personally, this country feeds the deepest and most potent parts of my being. I’ve had some doubts about my trip lately, nothing serious, but I came up against my old friend ego again, masquerading as perfectionism and control as I prepared for this journey. I’ve been trying to walk the line between devotion and beingness, but my doubts and insecurities had me feeling like I just couldn’t win.

I cannot count the times I’ve reviewed my behavior this week, looking for signs that I was still on the right track. “I think their might have been some dairy in that… Oh no, I forgot not to use onion! Damn, that weed smoke smells so good, I hope it blows my way just a bit – but maybe that’s not a good thing?” I haven’t been smoking, drinking, fornicating or eating off the dieta for over a month, yet I was still feeling insecure in my follow through on my commitments.

This is what I do. I am especially hard on myself, and not just when I have a reason.

This was a big lesson for me last year when I attended Apotheosis 1.0 and came to Costa Rica for the first time. I very plainly and painfully saw my own self-deprecation, self-inflicted frustration and my many other manipulative mechanisms of tyrannical self-control for what they actually were: ego drama and disease. I was guided into forgiving, having compassion and being gentle with myself – but I guess the freedom and healing that those things brought me had faded a bit over the past year. Sure, I wasn’t mercilessly berating myself for things that were completely out of my control anymore, but I wasn’t exactly being kind, patient and understanding either.

Big fluffy clouds over Costa Rica

I had already felt the tender nudges of Pachamama, attempting to guide me back towards my beingness while I was still at home preparing – but it wasn’t until I glimpsed this magnificent country again that I felt the glory of grace in all its fullness once more. “Ah yes, THIS. This unrestricted, unconditional love. This is what it’s all about… Yesss…”

I had been so worried about messing things up for myself that I had forgotten this trip, this soul journey is a gift. I am hear to enjoy my beingness, not to prove I deserve it.

Releasing my expectations

I’m letting go, again. I’m smiling ear to ear at strangers who cut me in line, with genuine compassion and care. I’m daydreaming about nothing but the moments I’m in… I’m embracing the unknowing, I’m accepting my imperfections, I’m surrendering to the fantastic hopelessness of not needing things to be different than they are.

We can know the nature of dislike, shame, and embarrassment and not believe there’s something wrong with that. We can drop the fundamental hope that there is a better “me” who will one day emerge.

– Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart

I am so incredibly grateful and that’s the focus I will maintain for the rest of this adventure. I’m not here to prove anything to myself or anyone else. I’m here to emerge organically, stripping away the needless labels and standards, to break out of the cocoon and take flight with the wings that have always been destined to be mine. I don’t have to know how, like a butterfly I will trust that my true beingness is inherent to me.

Costa Rica’s majestic landscape

a gentle stirring like
breezes tickling leaves
ants rustling beneath
grass growing
flowers blooming
sunshine thawing snow
listen with your whole
suspended breath
tremors of focus
gaping open mind
deliciously craving
hope that persists
it’s not here yet
but it’s coming
persisting passed
primordial deaths
pushing up beyond
limits condemning
reaching out and in
to find reunion’s bliss
like whispers on wind
lost to distractions
yet still ever there
for those of us listening
following paths of light
the fae leave in dust
it’s not obvious
until you see it
close eyes and savor
falling back into dark
letting possibility implode
freeing up all powers
dancing to the silence
caught in rhythms unknown
allow conciousness’ expanse
collapse all assumption
cradling soft tenderness
adorning love with glories
breathe and be breathed
join once again in beingness
it’s not only an end
this awakening

I went for a lovely hike yesterday through part of Arapahoe National Forest on the Upper Maxwell Falls Trail. It was a bit rainy but we dressed warm and thoroughly enjoyed the beauty of the fog enveloped mountains, the still melting snow and the other faint sights of spring that are emerging here in our Rockies… I hope you will too!

I am opening myself completely to the transformative power of spirit

Today was a glorious day. I slept well for the first time in over a week, I’m feeling healthy again, I woke up and did my Sadhana before taking a long shower and then headed out to my local healing center.

I started my rejuvenating outing with a Kundalini class, we did a kriya focused on the solar plexus chakra and core. Very suitable for the Scorpio full moon and all its transformative power and personal truth vibes.

I then enjoyed an Ion Foot Detox, which was brown/orange (blood/joints) this month. Last month’s was black (liver/heavy metal).

Ion Detox time!

Finally, my day at Taspens concluded with Community Acupuncture, which far exceeded my expectations. I’ve had acupuncture before but this was combined with sound healing and it was an absolutely divine experience.

I selected the “spiritual opening” placement for my needles and my mantra for the experience was “I am opening myself completely to the transformative power of spirit.” I had a blissful meditation with many visuals and am still vibrating from the experience…

All in all – ahhhhh… I love my chosen path, I live being a student of connection and mindfulness. I love living my life. I am so blessed and so grateful – definitely feeling the renewal I was hoping for!

Ah, life…

I wanted to start this post with another “it’s been a crazy week,” or “sorry I haven’t had time to write something current lately,” but then I realized – I don’t feel that way. So I’m not going to say it.

The weekend was great. I’m sick and have largely been scraping by the last 3 days, barely cognizant sometimes, but I also still managed to spend mother’s day with my momma bear and that is so special to me.

I’m laying here, with beads of sweat on my forehead, feeling gross and icky, but I’m also feeling proud of the fact that I still woke up at 6am today to workout with my friend before I did my Sadhana (it wasn’t much of a workout but the commitment is what’s been making the real difference anyway). I’m feeling blessed, accomplished and grateful. I’m also wondering when this stupid head cold will finally pass…

And that’s just it…

That’s life. THIS is life! It’s never all good or all bad, there are always ups and downs, things don’t ever remain nice and categorical and reality’s “peaks” and “valleys” often coincide. There’s no destination that escapes the densly diverse experiences of existence.

That’s why perspective, intention and focus matter so much. We all make our own meaning.

I could focus on how “crazy” things feel when I am not accomplishing everything I want to accomplish, but then I’m probably only going to foster more manic energy for myself. I can fixate on all the ways I’ve not been “keeping up” with the make believe standards I’ve set in place for myself, but then I’m really only harvesting dissapointment and discontent.

The truth is, I get to choose

No one’s life is perfect, but I can certainly enjoy mine should I decide to. Sure, being sick isn’t easy to enjoy necessarily, but I can still be grateful that I’m alive and take the extra pause to appreciate my blessings. Instead of worrying about all the things I haven’t gotten to yet, I can be thankful I have so many opportunities, trust and responsibility.

So, this is me basking… I’m drinking it all in and savoring every drop. I love you life! I’m so blessed by the good, the bad and everything in between…

Image: Internet