For those of you that didn’t know, I was married once. He was someone I tried to save from himself, and I lost myself in the process. Still, it’s all been for the best, making me the woman I am.

So, here’s an old poem – from a past I barely recognize:

I fell in love with a con man

He was lying the very day we met


Told me twists and turns of detailed stories, only partial truths or complete bullshit


He’d learned the hard way, of that much there was proof, and so I went along hoping every last word was truth


From behind big blue eyes, he swept me away – what can I say, that con man’s words made me want to play his game


The way he loved me was incredible, made me feel like when he held me he was coming home –


Ecstasy soon turning into a bad trip, a deadly rollar coaster, but I still rode with him –


I fell in love with a criminal, a man who’d done what he thought he had to do, and he’d done it far too many times to realize he could choose –

The lies started to bleed and I began to feed on delirium, insecurity overcoming me making me come unhinged


Something about the way he laughed when he was truly happy, the way his eyes devoured my body and the touch of his hands!


I fell in love with a blue eyed devil, a class act playgirl fantasy

I let him lead me astray, keeping his secrets to this very day, despite his most brazen offenses against me –


I fell in love with a con man, how could I have expected any different?


I couldn’t blame him for his sorted past

Or the hurt little boy who was always staring back


I felt his pain, or at least the parts he wanted me to

I fell in love with a con man, and I always knew –


Yea, somehow I always knew, and I still laid myself bare, daring him to make his move and finally prove that the love he said he for me was as true…


Still, I knew… Still it burned, as his fiery heart consumed – all I had…

Ooh, I was conned by the man I loved – I listened and then got learned…

I thought I knew, thought if I could be bad too he couldn’t hurt me the way that he did…


I gave my innocence to a grand larcenist, ooh I watched as he drank me in and what came back out was stronger, but more putrid too…


Ooh that criminal, I’m that Casanova’s fool –


I learned to love from a con man – he taught me to trust and then how to break it bad…


Don’t you dare

Don’t you entertain –


‘Cause even though I may seem sweet and lovely – I can guarantee that you don’t want to play this game –

I’ve been tainted and mamed 


Ooh oh oh oh – run away

Desires float like snow
dancing as they fall
collecting all around
melding together as
they take over: covering all
Each one intricate
each one different
all still melting down
all becoming water
united in destruction of identity
Fate the inevitable undoing
Destiny what’s undone
Promises must break
against, into, because:
they’re fragile in the making
We humans are fragile creatures
we can’t help but break down
we are built for evolution
Optimization requires updates
each version uniquely fallible
“I” Feel beautiful –
“I” See loving –
“I” Hear joy –
“I” Taste luxury –
“I” Smell identity –
So then, once “I” let go
when “I” dissolve the lines
when “my” edges soften
as “I’m” melting “my” Self
“my” ego fades: decaying ideals
What of the between?
What about the story
“I” keep telling anyone
who will listen, especially
“myself” – again and over, desperate?
What are the purposes
of these intricate lines?
Why be different if we are all
going to meld together again?
Why do I feel important?
I don’t want to be important
but really, when that melts
down: I don’t want to dis-
appoint or ruin Everything
I just want to blend nicely
I’m letting my edges melt
even before I hit the ground
I’m so ready to flow deeper
into the dark warm embrace –
Gravity pulling me to the core
We are suspended on cold air
We are sucked in by warm earth
We are recycled in the heat of fire
To be carried again and once more
up to expand, down to collapse in
What of desires and snowflakes?
What of gravity and water?
What of dissonance and cognition?
What of I and the Other?
Why do questions all have the same answers?
Perhaps, Deepest Darkest
you are not gluttonous or evil
you are not damnable
you are not what you fear
You Are: simply: remembering –
all I want: what I have
To Be – fully and freely: floating
falling, flowing – caring less about
edges and cyclical pressure
Finding peace in loving the journey
Feeling the intoxicating beauty
Seeing the loving bliss
Hearing the grateful laughter
Tasting the luxurious delights
Smelling the layers of identity
Every chance I have, I’ll take it
Every change there is, I’ll make it
Now and always, forever, on repeat
I’m cycling, learning to appreciate
better and better and better
Yes, Deepest Darkest
you are beautiful and good
you are redeemable
you are greater than your fears
You Are: simply: remembered –

I started vow of silence on Wednesday. Until the night of my performance, I am not vocally communicating with others.

I am writing. I am making noises. I am talking to my cats, singing to myself and practicing my set in private (my musician is the only one who is going to be hearing my voice this month).

Source: Facebook

Mostly though, for this month, I’m exploring my silence. So far, it’s already been quite illuminating.

I’ve learned vocal reaction and response can happen long before any conscious choice/decision, much of it is automatic and conditioned. Another lesson I’m a bit more surprised by, is my ability to over complicate and be excessive even in nonverbal communication.

Image: Facebook

The latter has looked like chaotic body movements or tantrums of non-linguistic sounds and facial expressions. The former has mostly been knee jerk, “trash” or throw away “habit” responses. For example, never before have I realized the extent of my nervous humor before!

Though these insights are sure to be useful, what I’m really most excited about for this journey are my intentions. The first is honestly akin to “becoming less reactive,” but feels more rightly defined as “creating space between stimuli and response.”

Image: Facebook

Often I get overly excited by communication, especially when it’s about things I actually care about, and in that excitement-oriented mania I lose sight of the purpose of communication. So, in part, this vow is about increasing the value of my own communication. I plan to do this, not by eliminating my responses, but by allowing myself the time to curate and design them with more care and consideration.

Secondly, and similarly, I am attempting to train what I’ve come to call “verbal processing” out of my communication habits. I have found myself able to talk topics in circles, in order to imagine and explmore every perspective, often even playing “devil’s advocate” just to ensure no view point is left behind.

Also known as my favorite hobby…

Honestly, I find verbal processing fun. That’s why it’s become a habit. Still, it does nothing for the potency and power of my words.

Ultimately, my purpose will require I do my “verbal processing” internally, so that when I do speak, the thoughts I am presenting are a collected and cohesive whole. This will provide others the gems of my experience and analysis without having to muddle through the garbage to get them. Again, increasing the value of my spoken word.

Image: Facebook

Finally, and perhaps most fun, I am exploring rewilding my voice for a few creative projects. This is why I am allowing myself to make non-linguistic sounds.

So far I have been absolutely delighted by one occasion of non-verbal sound exploding from myself. I growled and grunted and clicked, utilizing my physical form, movement and every muscle in my face to communicate my intentions.

It felt wild.

It felt really, really, really good.

I am so excited that I am just 3 days in and have so much more time to explore the silence. Who knows what my voice will actually be like on the other side?! But, I am sure excited to find out!

My rules

I was taught to fear
the other

never knowing
it was always myself

I hated “them” for things
I remembered

about myself
things only “I” was guilty of

Yet, it was through others’
forgiving embrace

I discovered
how forgiveness heals

Turning their love inward
accepting myself

breaking free
releasing self-judgements

In these ways, I am saved
by others

once judged
by my own denied insecurities

So yes, I am healing me
not selfishly

but selflessly
knowing I must to love All