I found happiness 
at the bottom 
of my darkest 
scariest and
hardest 
resistance –
as soon as I
let go of my
fear and expectations 


Drowning in bliss
doesn’t always 
feel all that
pleasant 
but the pain
makes resilient 
my most broken –


Healing in
to bloom
forever
dying just
to grow again 


here
I AM
now


i am 


now
I AM
here


Again to grow
just to die
always
crumbling 
diffusing out –


Brilliance of most
tranquil suffering 
but the joy
difficult –
thinking all
and every way
killing potential highs


Goals and potentialities 
sneakily influence 
if I don’t watch
my mischief –
easiest 
purest and
most beloved
at the center
of what can never be lost

Two years ago, December 2017, I began on a journey I had been starting my whole life. I’ve always been too conscious. I’d always asked to many questions. But there I was, finally doing something about it.

Sure, I’d meditated before. Sure, I’d fasted and journaled and exercised and read personal development books and articles – sure – I’d been obsessed. Sure, I’d been following High Existence online for years, but there I was: doing something about it.

I had seen HE’s 30 Challenges to Enlightenment bopping around on the interwebs for a while already, but I had only just bought the program and December 2017 was my first official 30 Day Challenge: High on Existence. No drugs, alcohol, nicotine or caffeine for a whole month – and because I’m me, I included sugar (I’m more addicted to it that any of those other substances). I anticipated a difficult time, but was pleasantly surprised: I actually enjoyed myself.

Development and Growth

Subsequent challenges would prove more difficult and with time my personal development would again evolve, but I can’t help thinking back to the ease of that December, and how empowering it felt to feel so in control of myself. Flash forward to today though: I’m a mess.

I keep waking up late, I’m gloriously failing at implementing my own Sadhana practice for my Kundalini yoga teacher training, my self-care has been minimal, I can’t seem to keep up with my responsibilities and I’m randomly overwhelmed with such intense emotions and thoughts that they consume my whole being. Ah yes, the putrid smell of growth.

Since December 2017 so much has happened in my life, I feel like almost an entirely different person. I’ve taken trips to the underworld and back with Momma Aya, I’ve begun to develop a more comprehensive understanding of my Being through yoga and meditation, I’ve started developing peer and mentor relationships with people I admire and respect, I’ve learned Reiki and began practicing Divination for others, I’ve started to heal trauma and confront fears, I’ve begun bloging and am blooming more purposefully in my life… All to find myself here: feeling more out of control than I did back then, before any of this began. But is that really what’s going on?

No Longer Playing Games

You see, along with my personal development, I’ve been doing deep spiritual work too. It’s not as simple as getting “better,” it’s about dismantling my egoic understanding of “better” and the manipulative devices I am conditioned to deploy in this world as a result of those delusions.

You see, 2 years ago my ego was still calling the shots. Being able to detach from my vices so easily felt good because it confirmed my biases about my abilities to manipulate myself – er, I mean exert self-control. But those subsequent challenges? The meditations and self-care? Those required so much more than self-manipulation.

In the last 2 years I’ve learned to give my ego a backseat, and it’s shaken everything up. At times, I am literally completely out of control – in fact, I aspire to be totally out of control. Yet, my ego is still there, still screaming and throwing fits. It’s not so nice when it’s not getting it’s way: confirming biases and coming out “on top.”

Choosing a Master

Alas, there we were, still listening. See, I may have put Ego in the backseat, but Spirit was still back there too. Observer was up front with Wisdom navigating, but kept getting distracted by all the commotion:

Are we there yet?!” Ego likes to scream.

Where exactly do you want to be?” Wisdom replies, “You haven’t exactly helped us formulate a plan E.”

“Be here,” Spirit wispers.

“I don’t know, I don’t care!” E screams, “Anywhere but here! Somewhere exciting! Let’s do something good, let’s do something seen. I don’t want to waste my time, and I’m not letting any of you waste yours either.”

“We’re all in this together E, and I love your passion,” Spirit cooes, grabbing E’s hand on the seat between them and giving it a little squeeze while gazing deeply into E’s potential.

Ego recoils sharply, with a look of disgust for Spirit’s vulnerability and affection. Spirit remains, unfazed by the discomfort and reaction.

“Well?! Go O!” E yells again, at which point Observer is startled to find itself in the driver’s seat, speechless.

“Seriously?! What’s your problem? Just GO!” Ego exclaims, growing in ferocity.

Observer turns to Wisdom for guidance and W shrugs as if to say, “I know.”

And this sort of thing was going on for a while… ‘Round and ’round; it’s completely immobilizing. It couldn’t continue, I had to choose a different driver.

It would seem, despite my naive assumptions of meditation training, that Observer isn’t the best driver – but I can’t put Ego back in that seat again either. Wisdom is squarely in the navigation position, of its own personal assertion, so that leaves Spirit.

The most obvious and unassuming of all. Of course, surrendering to Divine grace is the answer! But have you tried to actually do that? It’s not exactly easy.

Seeing Clearly

It’s not as simple as deciding to do something and doing it anymore. Everything is scrutinized and examined, mostly because Ego is in the backseat DEMANDING it to be so. That’s been one of the major lessons in my life this past year: much of my “personal development” has actually been more “Ego development.”

Even putting Observer in the driver’s seat was Ego’s move. E knew that O could be manipulated, overwhelmed and controlled. Spirit is always the one to, not fight back but, remain tranquil and resilient despite anything Ego tries to do. As far as Ego’s concerned, “SPIRIT CANNOT BE THE DRIVER!”

I’ve only just made this choice as consequence of my calling to Kundalini and everything I’m dealing with now are just the consequences. It’s seriously maddening at times though. I am actually at war within myself.

Ego knows it’s different this time, and it’s not giving up control without a fight. It’s using everything it can to its advantage: old patterns, pain, manipulation, self-sabotage and symptoms of mental illnesses all resurfacing within me to try and force E’s desperate agenda. And yet, with Spirit now in full power, I am unphased.

Accepting the Promises of Grace

Maybe I’m not waking up and doing the perfect Sadhana every day, but I’m reconstructing the patterns within my heart and mind that have made me content in my excessive comfort. Maybe I’m not practicing self-care or approaching my goals and projects as mindfully as I want to, but I am rooting out the lies of unworthiness, insecurity and fear that have plagued my life. Maybe I’ve not yet mastered the simplicity of my own Sovereignty, but with Spirit at the healm it’s only a matter of time before I get better and better at developing those skills and understandings too.

Personal development can look like a flawless execution of a challenge, but it can also feel like falling apart. Dense pockets of conditioning require a bit of finesse and tenderness, but they have to be worked through. Whatever isn’t flowing, is growing stagnant and contributing to dis-ease.

As much as we want to undergo growth to feel better, we have to be willing to work through even those patterns and pains that make us feel worse. True healing doesn’t happen at the surface, and this is just one of those times I get to explore a messier side to the art of growing. Even amidst the struggles I can rejoice knowing I will make it through.

“Ah! Fine! Can we at least get going now!?” E says in a defiant huff.

“Only once you’ve calmed down dear one, where we are going an attitude won’t serve you…” Spirit encourages with a smile, “but we’ve got all the time in the world to sit, here, with you.”

Ego’s eyes grow big with disbelief and wonder. Caught within the illusions of its own fear, subject to everything but distractions, for once E seems itself speechless – emitting only: “… okay.”

Hey from the road! On my way to meet my brother for lunch and then HW and I are headed to the Dells for the night.

I did bring my handy New Palladini deck though and have drawn cards for the week ahead! Yup, you’ve got it, this is going to be a weekly trend!

Continued Internal Exploration of Values


XXI The World, reversed (The New Palladini Tarot Deck)

If you recall my reading last week, we were invited to explore the conditions we put on our happiness and joy when The Sun was pulled reversed. This week we are continuing that trend with another Major Arcana card being pulled reversed right off the bat: XXI The World. This card represents success, freedom and having “the world on a platter.” We are being asked to think about what achievement, abundance and variety really mean to us now too.

Who told you to think the way you do about success? When did you first start forming the ladders up to your dreams and why? How much of your goals are truly authentic and how much are based on the examples or expectations of others?

I channeled once that we “can artfully and beautifully design each detail of the distance between us and our enlightenment, but it’s still our enlightenment.” Often we can be the ones getting in our own ways in life because we want to follow a perception or standard rather than just accept how it is and give thanks for it. Which leads me to the next draw:

ReEnchantment

Nine of Pentacles (The New Palladini Tarot Deck)

The next card to show up echoes the support and encouragement of the universe we’re always graced with: the Nine of Pentacles. This card acts us to consider our bounty, priviledges and blessings.

What is it that brings us comfort at the end of a long work day? Who’s sweetness helps to melt away the bitter edges of life? What are the little things that make our moments meaningful and memorable?

We’re being asked to notice what’s truly filling in our lives and appreciate that richness. This is how we assist the universe in manifesting more of it and how we share it with the world.

Start small, just be grateful. For yourself. For your past. For your love. For your friends. For your pets. For your breath. Anything. Everything.

This type of energy awareness portends well for the continuation of Jupiter’s transit across the Galactic center this week too. Gratitude is the most fertile soil for hopes and dreams because it contains within it all the ingredients, including the awareness of the effort, hard work and struggle any achievement takes. Give whatever you want to have grow in your life the fertilizer of your attentions and affections.

The Gift of Self-Awareness

King of Cups (The New Palladini Tarot Deck)

Perhaps this vulnerable and emotionally charged astrological season seems to be at the absolute worst timing, but it’s truly a gift. We’ll not be bringing so much baggage home with us these coming holidays. We’ll get to be more present, forgiving and genuine with our loved ones for having done the deep, raw work of the heart ourselves.

In this way, we are all becoming masters. Not to any superficial, popularity contest standard, but rather through real and lasting energetic alchemy. It starts with us. This is what we’ve been preparing for.

What graces or compassion have you recently learned to give yourself or your loved ones that you can now been to extend even further? How can you allow your lessons to teach others? How can your healing inspire others?

The Power of Subtle Influences

Observe the ways your energy and emotions influence and inspire your realities this week. It isn’t always what we think or say that affects others or our lives the most.

Are you the captain of your ship, or is someone/something else steering for you across these oceans of life? Are you being impactful in the ways you want to be? Are you the person you most respect, and if not, why not?

Now’s the time for making some decisions before Neptune turns direct next week. Pay attention, make it count, start noticing what intentions/power moves would be most potent and effective – and stay mindful that they may be the most subtle and gentle options too.

Weekly Divination Spread: November 18th – 24th 2019

“…a number is not just a number as you are not just a human, all that is a part of this universe is comprised of energy, frequencies, and vibrations.”

You Are Luminous

The Resonance of One

Identity. Integrity. Individual. Even the number 1 looks eerily similar to the letter/word “I,” which is a convenient reminder of its inherent meaning. In addition to the ego, personality and self though, this number can also signify wholeness and unity.

In these ways, the number One has a powerful resonance that invokes the very essence of divinity: it is both One and the Whole. It serves to remind us of ourselves, both in our uniqueness as well as in our belonging, in our bigness as well as our smallness.

One reminds us of our individual power as well as our innate longing. It’s a complex, internally challenging number that supports either egoic self-obsession or mindful source-awareness respective of whether we choose to avoid the discomfort of its spiritual dissonance or dive straight into it.

The Reflection of Eleven

Playing off of the themes of number One, Eleven packs a duel punch of both cosmic and self-awareness. Here we see the self and the other, standing parallel, in either opposition or support: 11.

For those resistant to the inherent longing for return to the Whole within their own identity, this resonance is even more challenging to the ego than that of the number One. It is essentially a divine mirror, shining back our truth, and if we are uncomfortable in our truth we will also be uncomfortable in the vibrations of Eleven.

Eleven may also be experienced as divine support, cosmic blessings and guidance for those of us who are willing to suspend cognition enough to hold space for the dissonance of the One and the Whole. An open heart will celebrate its opportunity to see itself fully in the divine mirror Eleven provides. For those doing the work, this frequency can even feel like a reprieve or recognition of the work their soul has been doing.

The Reactivity of 11/11

So what happens when the reflective energy of Eleven is itself further reflected by itself? COSMIC REVELATION EXPANSION!

We all have the opportunity to explore ourselves, our relationship to the divine, our relationship to the world and others, as well as the divine’s, the world’s and others’ relationships to us today too. Our sights will be clear, the truth will be obvious and celebrations, strategies and plans can all be well made.

We also have the number Four come into play in this number series, as now there are Four Ones total. Four is a foundational, solid and structural number. Think of the ancient practice of using cornerstones in the foundations of homes, these (primitively) Four stones were essentially the load bearers and made the home a sound and safe structure.

The potent reflective energy of Eleven reflecting Eleven combined with the incredible opportunity to solidifying foundational identities for ourselves in the vibrations of Four Ones makes the 11/11 portal one of the most empowering days of the entire year. Taking full advantage of this protal doesn’t have to be as complicated or nuanced as the numbers themselves either!

Intentionally Invoking the Potential of 11/11

Get out a journal and pen, but just sit. Tap into your center, that place within you where you feel the resonance of One, where your identity and the Source cease to exist separately.

Just sit. Notice what arises. Watch your emotions, thoughts and discomfort. Be the witness of your ego and Spirit for a while. No judgements, just observe:

  • What does your ego sound/feel like?
  • What does Spirit sound/feel like?
  • What reflections of your personal identity and connection to Source make your ego more or less upset?
  • What tactics does your ego use to try and be the “voice of reason” and how is Spirit combatting those insecurities?

Maintain compassion for yourself and even your ego throughout this process. Our egos are not purposeless accidents and actually exist to serve us. It is good and healthy to have awareness of potential dangers and even some fear. Unfortunately, modern society has grabbed hold of ego’s motivation – insecurity – while also losing sight of Spirit’s grace, and has consequently made us all a bit hypersensitive, but that still doesn’t make ego the enemy.

Once you’ve begun to clarify your ego and Spirit’s reflection of it within your center, begin to offer gratitude. You may start with Spirit because that is typically easier, but don’t leave out your ego! Thank it for its hypervigilance and desire to keep you safe. Thank it for its love and care, however misguided it may also be. Accept that it’s not perfect but it is trying and endeavor give it the grace Spirit provides.

When you feel the comfort, acceptance and love begin to bloom within your heart as consequence of your intentional gratitude reuniting the wholeness of Spirit with your personal identity, you have reached the point of ultimate potentially for the 11/11 portal. From this space of love and awareness, begin to identify cornerstones:

  • What are your top Four priorities in life?
  • What are the top Four core values or guiding principles you turn to when making important decisions?
  • If you had to choose only Four virtues to embody in this lifetime, what would they be?
  • If your friends and family were to describe you, what Four words would you hope they choose to use?

Now take a look at your answers to these questions and find the similarities. Narrow down your focus to your own Four, personally inspired cornerstones: these values/virtues have the potential to empower you by providing the pure clarity, focus and motivation that can only come through conscious conviction. This is your new foundation from which you will build your future!

Your Own Personal 11/11 Code

You will often see titles such as “activation code,” “angel code” or other divine “codes” assigned to the 11/11 portal. This is because being fully engaged with this energy can be incredibly transformative, rejuvenating and invigorating – much like you have recieved heavenly downloads, unlocking a magickal “code” that assists you in every possible area of life.

By doing the exercises above, you have essentially cracked this code for yourself; it is nothing more than learning to suspend judgements of our ego by accepting the divine grace of Source, and finding Truth within that unity. The code is the cornerstone virtues this grace enables us to discover and the multitude of blessings and clarity these virtues create in our lives once they are identified.

The code is acceptance, fully and wholly, while standing naked before the powerful reflection of divine glory. In this way, we are all called to step further into divinity today; learning to forgive and love even those parts of us that would steal our peace and joy. It is reclamation; it is Love.

Another week is dawning and I for one am grateful to have made it through the heart wrenching emotional gymnastics of last week’s soul-healing vibes. The cosmos wasted no time in shaking us all up and now that things have gotten real, real deep, we’re being told to relax and trust the divine.

This week’s spread was intuitive, moving across the chakra stones barrier in the middle of my table mat in a zigzag fashion; beginning at the top left, moving to the center right and then down to the bottom left before beginning again at the top right and mirroring the pattern on the opposite sides all the way down. I find the importance of feminine and masculine energies being brought into balance as well as the double helix form both indicated in this spread.

I began with the Shadowscapes Tarot Deck:

This Week’s Intuitive Spread

Acknowledgement

VII The Chariot (Shadowescapes Tarot Deck)

We have been seen! The Major Arcana card XII, The Chariot indicates that the shadowy journeys we’ve taken into the depths of raw, ugly yet essential truth are being recognized. We are being hailed as the captains of our own destiny’s and our guides are celebrating our autonomy, not through subjugation but rather, through glorious harmonization!

As the 11/11 portal opens on Monday, we start our week with a powerful suspension of time and space. The heavens, our ancestors and deities, are all pulling back at the edges of reality to create an endlessness in which we are given a chance to take that rejuvenating deep breath we’ve been longing for. This won’t look like a lazy day though, in fact, anticipate the flow state and don’t be surprised when you get a lot more than you planned done for a change.

The divine message of this day is: “I am a blessed child of the divine!”

A Challenge

XIX The Sun, Reversed (Shadowscapes Tarot Deck)

In the midst of this glorious and divinely supportive celebration, we are still being called to refine and explore our awareness. The Sun coming up reversed is not typically considered fortunate, as the Sun is one of the most fortunate cards in the deck and a reversal suggests density or conflict of some kind, yet I intuit this to indicate a highly fortunate opportunity all the same.

We are all being called to reconsider what success, joy and fortune mean to us. I feel this reversal is speaking more to an internal condition rather than an external circumstance. What are the ways in which you might be limiting the joy and luck in your life because of personal biases or conditioned beliefs? Be prepared to start asking this and questions like it on Tuesday the 12th when the moon reaches peak fullness in the sign of Taurus.

We would be wise to use these sesual, mindful Taurean energies and the illumination of the full moon to help us see gaps in our self-care and carve out long term plans for facilitating better habits for ourselves. Why must success equal the delegation of our needs or wants? Perhaps we can have every luxury, if only we stop waiting for others to provide them for us and do the work of reaping rewards for ourselves.

The divine message of this day is: “I am as happy as I could ever be, right now!”

Empowerment

I The Magician (Shadowscapes Tarot Deck)

The Magician card is the second card in the Major Arcana, denoted “I” because the Fool begins the set at “0.” This card is one of empowerment and asks us to look to ourselves for that which we need and desire.

Given the previous two cards, I intuit this energy to be further promoting a self-inventory of sorts. Recognize your autonomy the way your guides, deities and ancestors do; challenge any biases and dogma that keep you from the joy of each pure moment; finally, take notice of all your inherent gifts, talents and wealth. We all have so much we can be grateful for, if only we take the time to do so.

Set the limits of your wanting. Decide for yourself when more is no longer better. Make unpopular, genuine and authentic choices. See your personal human potential as the brilliantly unique gift that it is, not merely as a means to justify your existence.

Blessings Abounding

Source Dragon (Dragon Oracle Cards Deck)

Jupiter, the bearer of luck and prosperity, will begin traversing the Galactic Center on Wednesday the 13th. It will be in exact conjunction with the Center on the 19th but we will start to feel the powerful pull of this celestial alignment right away and continue to experience reverberations all the way up through the Sagittarius New Moon on the 26th. This Source Dragon card speaks directly to the power of this potent potentiality.

What does that mean for this week? Sit back, relax and get ready. It’s been watching and now, the cosmos has something it wants to show you!

The Galactic Center is at the very heart of our galaxy and consists of a black hole, a cosmic womb. When the planetary benefactor aligns with the heart of this womb, anything is possible – and with the numerological, astrological and divinatory support of the previous two days leading up to this alignment (which only happens every 12 years), we can all be sure that the divine itself is planting the seeds for our ultimate blessings to manifest!

Divine message for the 13th – 25th: “the entire cosmos aspires to bless me!”

Heart Work

Isis and Osiris (Goddesses Knowledge Card Deck)

The next card drawn encourages us not to lose sight of ourselves and our hard fought autonomy amidst all the intoxicating justifications of ego’s discontentment. Just because the divine has got our backs doesn’t mean our life’s work is done, but that’s no reason to deny ourselves the joy of living either.

Isis is one of the oldest goddesses in the Egyptian pantheon and is known for bringing her assassinated husband back to life. She is a moon goddess who gives birth to the sun. She represents the value of the fulness of life, including the dark night and even grief itself.

I believe Isis appears hear as a gentle reminder of our reversed Sun card’s message: we must question our conditions, limitations and biases. Perhaps our curses are truly blessings, disguised by our very own prejudices and perspectives. Perhaps a painless, lossless, mundane life isn’t really what we desire and we actually need the difficulties and challenges of life as much as we desire the celebrations and fortune.

Our challenges create strength in us, our weaknesses provide opportunities for growth and our love, in truth, is our commitment to preserving through pain, grief and sadness. As the divine showers us with love and affection this week, we have the perfect opportunity to look within and ask ourselves: “in what ways have I been limiting my happiness for the sake of my ego?”

Divine reminder in this card for this entire week: “my brokenness blesses!”

The Summation

The Runes Thurisaz, Tir and Ing (from top down)

Lastly, I pulled three Runes and got a beautiful summery for the week’s reading: “we are divinely supported and adored, we can rest assured that our victory is already ours; we accept the blessings of our birthright and enjoying the abundance of life’s glories right now!”

We must simply go forth and be the miracles we already are! I hope that we all find all the sensual, meaningful and glorious satisfaction available to us this week. If/when we feel the resistence to just dive into divine bliss, let’s ask ourselves: what could be more important?

Thurisaz = protection and luck
Tir = success and victory
Ing = accomplishment and relief