Poetry

Solving Problems

I’m sitting, alone, again.

Late at night, mind racing.

Maybe it’s the cold medicine.
Or the ibuprofen.
Or the weed.
Or any of those other things I took to try and stop the pain.

Just the left side.
Is that not significant?

If life’s taught me anything, it’s that we make significance.
That it exists because we decide it does.
I’m deciding.

Hello pain, I’m not afraid of you – though, you are rather uncomfortable.
Please pardon all the ways I’ve attempted to ignore you before.
It’s just that – I’m enraptured by the lie – that things have to be perfect to be beautiful.

Truer than true, I am still drawn back and away

Existence is rapture –
The less you attempt to understand, the more you enjoy – the further you allow organically curious growth.

As a society we’ve stunted our growth – we fear our very own desires.
They are our masters and we their slaves – we bend our necks, faces to the ground, all worshiping invisible gods. Bump, “Oops, ‘xcuse meh…”

Well, I’m not going to be afraid of my desires anymore either.
Hello desire, I’m curious about you.
Oh and hey there rambunctious Mayry! How are you doing?! Haven’t seen you out in a while!

Why was I taught to feel guilty? I’m not afraid of guilt anymore.
I’m not afraid of others who want me only for my body, or any part, facet or whatnot of that sort. Bring it, doesn’t mean they’ll “get” me.

I’m not afraid of making mistakes
I’m not afraid of knowing my worth and living my truth.
I’m not afraid of wearing to little or looking like a boy.
I’m not afraid.

I know I am loved because I love.
because I see the computer screen and smell the stale air – I’m still breathing somehow –

I.

writing

Throwback Creative Writing: Darlings

So very strange, to type a random word into my Evernote app just to see what pops up. I chose the word “guess” and this was the oldest peice in my catalogue, Darlings:

Oct. 15, 2010
My Darling,
I don’t even know how to start… so many things are running through my head. I just wanted needed to let you know somehow – I love you. Look, I know you told me to run, and I am, but I have to be able to reach you. No matter where I go, or where they take you – I will find a way. I’ll be careful, I promise…
I won’t tell you where I’m going (you’re the boss ;), but I’ll tell you what – I’m gonna be missing your presence next to me on the warm sandy beaches of… ah… great big oceans 😉 but yes, I guess it’s time for me to go find that lil’ hut I’ve always talked about – or, I suppose with the resources you left me, maybe not so lil’ and not so hut. Good god – I miss you something terrible tho. I know, no matter what, things will be okay… I know we’ll figure it out. It’s just so damn hard when it feels like my heart is tearing itself desperately out of my chest, just longing to be near you.
Baby, I feel somewhat responsible for all this mess… I mean, I know you’ll just say that I’m being crazy, but really… I guess I just wonder if there was something I could have done to keep this from happening…
I’m definitely not to be worried about my love – I’m going into serious mastermind mode lol, I’ll be keeping myself busy that’s for sure! It’ll be great – I’m gonna be sure to have everything ready for your return to… well me 😉 where ever that might end up being.
OXO, Your Darling

Takes me back to an entirely different life, an entirely different Mayryanna.

Makes me laugh when I hear, “people can’t change!”

Guess I’m not people…