I pulled the card

not knowing

just desperate

seeking the answers to unasked questions

Lotus guru

Blooming

like dance

Smiling as she colorfully unfurls

I didn’t feel it then

the weight

of petals

pulling themselves delicately apart

It’s hard work

being gentle

letting go

unraveling to reveal hidden glories

Happening silently

frustratingly

bit by bit

until nothing is left but undoing

Thrusting vulnerability

exposing

inviting

giving all to possibilities

Spreading wide open

expanding

exploding

willing to fall completely apart

And watching myself fall

bit by bit

beautiful peices

collapsing back into myself

An act of violence

this blooming

this undoing

itself cannot be undone

Yet these dead petals

decaying

become more

feeding the blooms of tomorrows

The path to glory is fraught with dangers and distractions; sureties are luxuries that often must be bought at the expense of truth. What though is worth more? The confidence and strength of hard-won experience, or the comfort of waiting for an easy way that will never come?

Heroes are forged in battles, and not only the battles that find them. Heroes set out to find the “monsters” that will otherwise destroy peace and jeopardize love, in order to fulfill their destiny or die trying – that’s what sets them apart, that’s what distinguishes their journey from all the rest – they fully reject a life that sacrifices the soul for security.

Perhaps they don’t know how they will feed or shelter themselves along the way, but they go anyway. Perhaps they don’t have the right weapons, perhaps they live far from the threat, perhaps they could find several reasons why it would make more sense for them to just hope for the best and stay at home – but they go anyway.

A hero’s journey is one that defies logic, challenges rationality and tests grace, but that’s exactly what makes them great: by stepping out of the line of “right,” they place themselves in the midst of the void: the space in which nothing exists but every possibility. It is not their own might or power that makes them heroes, but rather, it is their acceptance of fortune, their faith in divine power and their calling to more that allows this greatness to manifest.

By stepping outside of reality’s guarantees, they create the space in which glory and miracles can manifest. True greatness doesn’t fit inside comfort, it must be invoked in spaces of possibility’s uncontained magnitude.

So, do you dare?

“Huuuecckkeghhh-ughhh… HUUUECKKEGHHH!” My whole body shakes as I purge violently into my bucket. There’s nothing in my stomach anymore, the Aya has moved through my system and I’m just emitting bile now. My mouth tastes sour and bitter but I can’t drink water yet… Everytime I open my eyes I feel dizzy and ungrounded by their inability to focus as infinite geometric fractals take over my surroundings. “Thank you mama… thank you.”

The House of Masters – Imiloa Institute, Costa Rica

With eyes closed, falling back onto my sweat-soaked mattress next to more than 30 other friends (who were just strangers days ago) on the yoga deck in the Costa Rican jungle, I begin to undergo visuals of exponentially greater intensity and depth once more. I’ve been journeying for what seems like days, but really only an hour or two had passed. I am transported beyond the boundaries of my perception, into the space of existence where the overwhelming unity of Source converges and separation completely dissolves. Pachamama revealing the intricacies of her boundless power and love in every variety of expression.

Image Credit: Fuego Brew Co., Dominical Costa Rica

This is our second Ayahuasca ceremony on this retreat and it had been nothing like my first experience last year or my experience during this week’s first ceremony. My intention this time was “expansiveness” and oh did I recieved it fully. Laying there, feeling as though every cell in my body were vibrating, I pondered drinking a second cup of the medicine – though even the thought made me feel as if I might die.

“This,” I thought, “this I how I conquer fear…” Preparing myself to accept the challenge whilst Pachamama soothingly comforted me in the back of my mind, “you can drink if you want, but you don’t have to,” I knew, the answers to my intention laid just beyond this fear. I had to push my limit and drink again.

Image Credit: Fuego Brew Co., Dominical Costa Rica

The second cup was gritty, filled with remnants of the holy vine. I braced myself add I returned to my mattress… But nothing happened. I felt better – actually, I felt amazing.

I would still be journeying for about 4 more hours, and it would remain full of psychedelic wonder and more purging, but I was able to regain some grace. I felt strong. I felt proud.

I would under go a series of “downloads” the rest of the night, receiving divine messages about my life, my purpose and my path. My future became clear. My past, my excuses and my fears now all obsolete.

During the night I would visit my loved ones, both alive and dead, to express my gratitude, love and even my grief. “It is an honor to mourn you,” would become a mantra as I kissed the faces of friends and family who had long gone. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” falling evermore from my tongue.

I kissed monsters and communed with the goddess in her ever-changing forms. My heart was opened to the endless expanses of possibility and I gained new appreciation for the spaces of infinity and creation that are Pachamama’s domain. I experienced true, unbridled and uncontained power, drinking deep of endless glories.

It was so hard.

It was so ugly.

It was so divine.

It was so beautiful.

I wish for a world where everyone understands that discomfort is the price of legendary. And fear is just growth coming to get you.

~ Robin S. Sharma

So, I’ve been having some trouble with my dieta… Ot perhaps it’s more appropriate to say that my dieta is having some trouble with me.

Being sick and perpetually building upon my sleep debt all week has left me with less than peak self-control levels. Though I haven’t necessarily made any big mistakes, I’ve relaxed into a bit of apathy here and there and haven’t been as sure of my clean eating… and I’ve even skipped some of my Sadhanas this week.

Rather than get upset with myself though, I’m applying one of the skills I’ve been thought in Kundalini by releasing my guilt and being grateful for myself just as I am. I’m extending compassion to the imperfect parts of my being and holding myself in grace.

That being said, I’ll be applying another Kundalini principle as well and recommitting myself to my dieta and my Sadhana. I’m feeling much better, my sickness is all but healed, and starting tomorrow I will be beginning anew. No threads of disappointment or disciplinary action will accompany me and rather, I will rejuvenate my devotion with self-care and celebration.

Appropriately, tomorrow is also the Scorpio full moon. This is a time of deep passions and getting to the core of our truth. I’m excited to observe this and my renewal at my local healing center with 5 hours of yoga, mantra, meditation, detox, acupuncture and a sound bath.

I am so blessed to have this incredible local center and to be connected with a community that nourishes, supports and builds my best self up time and time again. I feel it is only more appropriate to recommit from this place of encouragement and connection as I prepare to join my global tribe for yet more healing at my upcoming retreat.

“Is 6:45 early enough?” I wonder, quickly calculating that my Sadhana just took about an hour and 15 minutes.

“I could push it up, maybe to 6:15?” I think, glancing at my phone to see that it’s now 10:55pm. “Closer to eight hours if I leave it…” I briefly consider if I’ll go to yoga class in the morning before remembering that I’m waiting to see if we get as much spring snow as they say…

“I could still make it regardless,” I finally admit to myself and decide to leave the alarm set for a quarter to seven.

“Since when is getting up before seven not early enough for me?” I laugh, suddenly realising how absurd this sutuation would have been to me at every other stage of my life. I had never been an early riser, especially not voluntarily.

Smiling, I think about how easy it was getting up at 5:15 earlier this week to work out with my best friend. I feel satisfied in a deep and thorough way… “I’ve worked hard for this.”