Despite the world slowing down amidst this global pandemic, I have become busier. The Divine told me to move by March, so I did. Right before my community started using the word crisis and before anyone was talking about stay at home orders here in the US.
So, despite having lived and worked in the same place for almost five years, I now have to go to my grandma’s home to do my part time work for her. Because of this, and the fact that other family members also work for the family businesses and are in and out of the home, we’ve all already been social distancing for weeks.
My family has rentals and my aunts and uncles all do property management. I do administration for all that but I am also the householder for and caretaker of my grandmother as well. All essential, so all we can do is try our best to limit contact and keep the home sanitized.
Learning to Let Go
I just got off the phone with my grandma to check in. I don’t work today and wanted to be sure she is doing well on her own. She had just woken up for a nap and told me she ate, took meds and is having a good day.
I kept it brief and have decided to take a nap, or at least lay in my bed with my shades drawn and my kitties purring beside me while I write these thoughts out… I need some stillness, some quiet, some rest.
Learning to release responsibilities that aren’t mine is just as difficult as accepting the ones that are.
Accepting Responsibility for My Power
I am not grandma’s live-in caregiver anymore because it became clear it wasn’t good for any of us. I take on too much responsibility and I make it easy for people who want to get away with entitlement, ignorance and laziness to do so.
If I want the rest of my family to take more of the share of responsibility, I have to be willing to give that responsibility up. And I am… At least I am working on it.
My conditioning screams from deep within me to do the “selfless” things and sacrifice my own life for the sake of making my grandma’s more pleasant. The grooming to “be what others need me to be” runs so deep, I have recycled my ability to enable others into a variety of roles throughout my life. Dutiful daughter, devout believer, bad girl, Ride-or-Die, good student, wifey, role model, victim, party girl, great employee, sugar baby, performer – there is no limit to my ability to chameleon into what others desire me to be.
That is exactly why I’m not “doing” anything today.
The Importance of Peace for Presence
I fancy myself a master of nothing, and by that I mean, if you need someone to do nothing – I am your ideal. Perhaps that is because I’m never bored.
I am fascinated by my own existence and therefore endlessly entertained. Perhaps this is why stillness and doing nothing feel so luxurious and “selfish” to me. Perhaps this is why one of my deepest ingrained limiting beliefs is that I must keep busy and serve others at all costs.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy acts of service and volunteerism has played an important role throughout my life. I do not wish to downplay the importance of serving others. However, to the extent that I have repeatedly fallen into patterns of codependency, I am trying to explore these cognitive spaces objectively.
If I never take the time to be with myself and explore myself, how can I help but fall pray to being repeatedly manipulated into trying to become other’s preferences?
Letting Everything Be Still
So, I am simply being. I am taking this time for myself, with myself – consciously savoring the qualities of what it is to be mayryanna Shakti, on this 29th day of March, 2020.
I have story board concepts to decide on, children’s books to write and edit, courses to study, art to finish, collaboratives to check in on, journals and photos to archive, a rebranding to flush out, a yoga class to plan and normal life chaos to tidy and organize… Which is great, but none of that is the truth of me either.
The truth of me is the truth of you is the truth of everything is the Truth of All… Be Still. Know That. I Am. God.
As true as my heart beat. As true as my breath. As true as the sun in the sky and the moon’s nightly reflections of its light. Life is Divine. Miracles abound and I am made up of no less than an innumerable amount.
Here in this place of Truth, basking in the peace of awareness, I have no fear. The need to rush to my grandma’s side to be with her and make this easier dissapears. The need to make the perfect plan to attack all of my opportunities fades away… Even the ever lingering anxiety about the Coronavirus crisis fades and I am left smiling and grateful.
By just allowing myself to be, without justification or qualification, I am essentially reclaiming my worth.
Resting in the Value of the Unknown
My childhood best friend died about a month before I turned sixteen, on this very day in 2004. Sixteen years ago. I have now lived half of my life without my Lizard, and at that time I didn’t think I could survive the grief of loosing her from moment to moment.
She has not been the only young spark to dwindle in my short existence and despite my sensitivities, I have developed a jaded relationship with death. It has been very real to me for a long time and I never take a day for granted.
When I say goodbye, I always say I love you. When I eat, I savor the flavors and textures. When I hug I put my whole heart into it… Because none of us never know when the current moment will be our last. Perhaps that’s why I give so much that it easily turns into too much…
Regardless, today I am celebrating being alive, just as I have been more and more consciously for the past sixteen years. Today that celebration looks like reclaiming my worth by doing absolutely nothing. In these ways, in this peaceful stillness, I’m working harder than I have all week.
Sat Nam and Blessed Be my Beloveds. May you all find that point of stillness within yourselves that reconnects you with the Truth and peace that persists beyond all fear and every crisis.