a strange tightness
pulling me forward
through my center
same game, new player –
what are you doing Mayryanna?
energy curdling up
my clenching throat
from heart quaking
you say this isn’t you, again?
perhaps you should reexamine your patterns –
feels like sickness
this is me purging
I’ve been running hard and fast in so many directions lately. Reading books and taking online courses, writing, editing, a variety of creative and passion projects, mastermind group and coaching calls – everything I can get my hands on.
I just requested a refund for another course I had for almost a month and simply didn’t have any time to even start.
Maybe that’s why I’m finally stepping back to question my relentless quest to consume, even in the ways it is seemingly constructive – why do I have to do everything I can to better myself, as fast as possible?
I’ve been watching the show Lucifer on Netflix and a line from that show has me rethinking some of these things. I don’t recall the exact quote or even who said it, but the sentiment has stuck… “The best way to run from something is to run at something else.”
So, in all my running towards mastery and optimization… What am I running from?
There are many potentially obvious answers. I could simply say it’s my bad marriage and subsequent divorce. Or my estranged relationship with my father. Or my disillusionment with most of society and its institutions, systems and expectations… But, I feel any one of those is only a part of what’s going on. No… This is much, much deeper… It’s about all of these things, and more.
It’s hard to put into words, but I feel it… So I’ll let the feelings guide me to the expression through some more poetry:
Like tired gears in a long forgotten machine
left on indefinitely when the factory shut down
unkept, in disrepair, the friction against itself
My heart is grinding, raw from its perpetuation
feels like hot drought air on cracked, thirsty earth
the edges of my pain shrill, endless aggravation
Nothing though, as tormenting as the betrayal
the ceaselessness of distractions stunting care
It is my own lack of acceptance that burns me
I hate feeling invisible to myself, but it’s worse
I may be intentionally ingnoring parts of my soul
wondering if I speak all of my own languages
It would seem I have a problem, with myself
The poem above is thick with meaning… More than can be digested in moments, but a few things are clear. I am feeling neglected by my own attention. But… That still begs a question:
Why am I neglecting myself?
The lesson of an unstarted course
I bought the course I just got refunded because of an online “limiting beliefs” quiz. The course is all about mindset work and how to overcome the blocks created by our destructive thoughts and beliefs. My limiting belief?
“I am not worthy.”
Maybe I should have kept that course after all…
Regardless, I am far from done with these contemplations. As I had thought, this is related to everything in my past, and my present. I will be investigating further.
One thing I did gather from the course in my brief overview of the materials is that mindset isn’t changed through understanding of the faulty mindset, however important that may be, it is in replacing the mindset through purposeful implementation of new thoughts, patterns and behaviors. Now that I am aware of my own desire for more attention, I am going to use that to help me overcome this belief of unworthiness… At least I’ll try my best.