Things have been odd lately. I feel as though I should be stressed out… But I’m not.
Maybe it’s a bit of fatalism. Perhaps I have finally surrendered to the perpetual chaos that is human existence. Quite possibly, I have found my way past my desire for control everything and am actually experiencing some sort of existential peace…
Letting the perpetual perpetuate
Regardless, I’m good with it. Didn’t have the free time I’d hoped for to get to some of my projects this weekend – still good with it. Didn’t get everything done on Monday – and I’m good with it. Didn’t get to catch up today – but I’m still good with it. Somehow, despite all the stress I’ve invested in the past that would point to the contrary, I am just not that concerned with getting everything done anymore.
If I don’t do it today, the task will still be there tomorrow. Besides, I tend to overestimate the amount of tasks I’m actually capable of completing in a day before my mind or body taps out… So perhaps I’ve simply stopped insisting on rediculous and self-defeating standards.
Allowing for self-curiosity
I have gotten to some things, I have continued to push forward on many things, and all the rest? I’m observing. I’m watching and taking mental notes: Mayry gets energy from that task, Mayry loses momentum before even starting that task, Mayry seems pretty nutral about this other task… Or my new favorite: Mayry is so excited about this task that she builds it up in her head to the extent of inaction for fear of failure or even fear of applying less-than-desired levels of attention and focus to it because it’s so darn important to her…
Ah, perfection paralysis, my old friend – still hanging around despite my gentle nudges towards the peripherals of my life I see… Well then, s’pose I need to be a little less gentle?
Still… I’m not frustrated with myself, or even bothered by any of this. I’m curious. I’m mindful. I’m learning… And I’m grateful for the opportunity to be all those things, to notice my patterns amidst my growth, and to approach my personal development from a more tranquil and patient place.
Opening to the too-oft’ forgotten joy of being
I haven’t mentioned it in a blog post yet, but I recieved a message from Pachamama last month while meditating on the possibility of attending Apotheosis 4.0 this summer. She wrapped her essence around me while I lay in Shavasana on the yoga studio floor and whispered in my ear: “you will not go as you are. You will go as you be. Come.” Of course, it immediately set me on a course of rediscovering my BEing…
Given the fact that the doors opened for me to attend the retreat this past Sunday, my focus has once again shifted: what happened? What clicked me back into my BEing? What changed?
Beautifully, the answer to all those questions is “not much.” Yet, it is so very much at the same time… My life didn’t suddenly get less stressful, actually it’s been the opposite with my sister moving out – but I didn’t change either, I’m still the Mayry who was laying on that floor a month ago. So, what was the ever-so-subtle change that realigned me with my chosen path? My perspective.
I was so wrapped up in “figuring it out,” how I was going to “make it happen -” even if that just meant mantras and meditation, I was going to “do anything and everything possible” to get myself to Costa Rica in June… I had made it about me, my tools and skills, my options – I was invested in my ego’s ideas about overcoming the obstacles rather than just aligning with my truth and trusting that what is meant for me will be mine.
Pachamama’s riddle preoccupied my egoic logic enough to allow my soul and spirit to repermeate my life. I released myself from the expectations that I had to do something in order to ensure I’d attend the retreat easily, once I realised the desperate vibrations of my grasping mind where the exact obstacles keeping me from my desire.
I couldn’t attend Apotheosis as I was, desperately and dillusionally fighting against myself, adding the details and distance between myself and my goal with artistic precision. That Mayry doesn’t commune with the great Earth Goddess Pachamama and her innumerable Fae children in the sanctuary of the jungle – she stays at home, figuring and stressing, becoming all too acquainted with her limitations and the obstacles she blames for keeping her there.
But the Mayry that BEs? Well, she’s this Mayry – the one who can’t always explain or understand her blessings, but accepts and appreciates them anyway. The Mayry that knows, beyond any doubt or delusion, that she is worthy, loved and cared for immensely by this Divinely orchestrated existence no matter how much or how little she does in her life. The Mayry that doesn’t stress over tasks because she knows things are only as important as she makes them, and she chooses to invest in her soul’s peace, love and harmony instead of her ego’s outlandish standards and lists.
Surrendering to deep relaxation
One of my favorite yoga teachers and a personal Guru of mine always says, “deep relaxation is who you really are, tension is who you think you are supposed to be.” Laying on the floor in corpse pose, it’s easy to think this only applies to your body as your muscles slowly melt – yet, I have learned this past month that this truth is so much more. Tranquility of mind, peace in the face of challenges, flowing through obstacles with grace – it’s all just a matter of perspective. So BE, and let blessings be.