So, I’m trying something different. I have just gotten the opportunity to go read poetry at a burner festival next week! Given that my last trip resulted in messy blog posting due to inconsistent cell service and WiFi accessibility, I am going to be creating extra and scheduling posts this week to be published while I’m at the festival. So, this is a test post of sorts, to see how things will go.
With my retreat coming up, it will be nice to have this system worked through already too because I will be largely avoiding all internet/connections while I’m am there, even if they are available. Yay for adventures in daily blogging! And special thanks to my friend and fellow blogger Maria at Made in Cosmos for her example of this posting technique.
The glory of a soul-filled day
I’m good and tired, more in my body than my mind. It’s a nice change that’s been ever creeping in on my life. Working out early mornings with my friend 2-3 times a week (including this morning) and fitting in local hikes here and there for the past few weeks (including a birthday hike up Bailey Mountain last night)… Beginning my Sadhana and dieta today… Getting back to yoga for the first time today… Well, now I’m very sore!
I don’t now how I managed to pile all of these things together in less than 24 hours, but it was my birthday yesterday and I did have people telling me to do whatever I want… I’m just not used to wanting all that activity!
Don’t get me wrong, this energy change and focus shift was fabulous, but… I’m not used to it.
And I haven’t been this sore in a while! Speaking of…
Since I had the opportunity (and got curious about making a video with Canva), I give you an even clearer glimpse into my life, my audaciously vulnerable charms and how I creatively layer meaning and intention into my experiences. Join me for my Ritual Bath this evening (last night, haha – my awkward attachment to honesty amuses me):
Things have been odd lately. I feel as though I should be stressed out… But I’m not.
Maybe it’s a bit of fatalism. Perhaps I have finally surrendered to the perpetual chaos that is human existence. Quite possibly, I have found my way past my desire for control everything and am actually experiencing some sort of existential peace…
Letting the perpetual perpetuate
Regardless, I’m good with it. Didn’t have the free time I’d hoped for to get to some of my projects this weekend – still good with it. Didn’t get everything done on Monday – and I’m good with it. Didn’t get to catch up today – but I’m still good with it. Somehow, despite all the stress I’ve invested in the past that would point to the contrary, I am just not that concerned with getting everything done anymore.
If I don’t do it today, the task will still be there tomorrow. Besides, I tend to overestimate the amount of tasks I’m actually capable of completing in a day before my mind or body taps out… So perhaps I’ve simply stopped insisting on rediculous and self-defeating standards.
Allowing for self-curiosity
I have gotten to some things, I have continued to push forward on many things, and all the rest? I’m observing. I’m watching and taking mental notes: Mayry gets energy from that task, Mayry loses momentum before even starting that task, Mayry seems pretty nutral about this other task… Or my new favorite: Mayry is so excited about this task that she builds it up in her head to the extent of inaction for fear of failure or even fear of applying less-than-desired levels of attention and focus to it because it’s so darn important to her…
Ah, perfection paralysis, my old friend – still hanging around despite my gentle nudges towards the peripherals of my life I see… Well then, s’pose I need to be a little less gentle?
Still… I’m not frustrated with myself, or even bothered by any of this. I’m curious. I’m mindful. I’m learning… And I’m grateful for the opportunity to be all those things, to notice my patterns amidst my growth, and to approach my personal development from a more tranquil and patient place.
Opening to the too-oft’ forgotten joy of being
I haven’t mentioned it in a blog post yet, but I recieved a message from Pachamama last month while meditating on the possibility of attending Apotheosis 4.0 this summer. She wrapped her essence around me while I lay in Shavasana on the yoga studio floor and whispered in my ear: “you will not go as you are. You will go as you be. Come.” Of course, it immediately set me on a course of rediscovering my BEing…
Given the fact that the doors opened for me to attend the retreat this past Sunday, my focus has once again shifted: what happened? What clicked me back into my BEing? What changed?
Beautifully, the answer to all those questions is “not much.” Yet, it is so very much at the same time… My life didn’t suddenly get less stressful, actually it’s been the opposite with my sister moving out – but I didn’t change either, I’m still the Mayry who was laying on that floor a month ago. So, what was the ever-so-subtle change that realigned me with my chosen path? My perspective.
I was so wrapped up in “figuring it out,” how I was going to “make it happen -” even if that just meant mantras and meditation, I was going to “do anything and everything possible” to get myself to Costa Rica in June… I had made it about me, my tools and skills, my options – I was invested in my ego’s ideas about overcoming the obstacles rather than just aligning with my truth and trusting that what is meant for me will be mine.
Pachamama’s riddle preoccupied my egoic logic enough to allow my soul and spirit to repermeate my life. I released myself from the expectations that I had to do something in order to ensure I’d attend the retreat easily, once I realised the desperate vibrations of my grasping mind where the exact obstacles keeping me from my desire.
I couldn’t attend Apotheosis as I was, desperately and dillusionally fighting against myself, adding the details and distance between myself and my goal with artistic precision. That Mayry doesn’t commune with the great Earth Goddess Pachamama and her innumerable Fae children in the sanctuary of the jungle – she stays at home, figuring and stressing, becoming all too acquainted with her limitations and the obstacles she blames for keeping her there.
But the Mayry that BEs? Well, she’s this Mayry – the one who can’t always explain or understand her blessings, but accepts and appreciates them anyway. The Mayry that knows, beyond any doubt or delusion, that she is worthy, loved and cared for immensely by this Divinely orchestrated existence no matter how much or how little she does in her life. The Mayry that doesn’t stress over tasks because she knows things are only as important as she makes them, and she chooses to invest in her soul’s peace, love and harmony instead of her ego’s outlandish standards and lists.
Surrendering to deep relaxation
One of my favorite yoga teachers and a personal Guru of mine always says, “deep relaxation is who you really are, tension is who you think you are supposed to be.” Laying on the floor in corpse pose, it’s easy to think this only applies to your body as your muscles slowly melt – yet, I have learned this past month that this truth is so much more. Tranquility of mind, peace in the face of challenges, flowing through obstacles with grace – it’s all just a matter of perspective. So BE, and let blessings be.
Aaand because it is still April, here’s a fun little video of me and my good friend Boots, not being bothered:
The last couple of nights I’ve not slept much – both for different reasons… But this tiredness I’m feeling, thinking about the day aheada and already wanting to go back to bed, is quite distracting… Not all of my doziness is from the poor sleep though.
We got my sister moved in the day before yesterday. She’s got some final things to take care of at her old place today but as of Friday she’ll be living here with grandma and me full time. I’m so excited.
We’ve been talking a lot about goals we can accomplish and projects we can do together. I’m looking forward to a productive spring and bountiful summer here at the Bailey Manor…
Yesterday Mr. Handsome took Moriah, her boyfriend and I up to a local crystal vein. We found some beautiful snowy quartz and some small peices of Amazonite, smoky and clear quartz. I also found something that looks like black tourmaline but need to do some more research to be sure.
My FitBit activity stats are currently the best they’ve been all year… But my sleep stats are at their worst.
It’s been a good, long week – already
… and it’s only Thursday morning.
I suppose that’s why I feel I need to start over and get my head on straight again. I’m all discombobulated…
Home again… What do I still need to get done this week? What are my priorities the next few days before another week begins?
Today is the last day of February too, which also begs reflection. Where am I at? What have I accomplished this month as opposed to what I had hoped I would accomplish when I was looking forward at this time last month?
Perhaps it’s all these questions that are making me feel immovable? Perhaps it is just the good and sunken in tiredness… Regardless, I am at a pause.
When in doubt, I always start with the heart(h)
The hearth (or kitchen as we now call them) of a home is the heart of a home. At least in the magickal or esoteric sense, this warm, nourishing and inviting location is symbolic of the heart chakra, or the center of love and goodwill. For this reason, I always start and end my cleaning in the kitchen.
Only have time for one task? I do the dishes. Only have time for one errand? I fill the fridge with groceries. Hardly conscious and too mentally out of it to know what I’m supposed to be doing? I get my ass in the kitchen and start tossing trash, putting things where they belong and wiping down things…
I do this for two reasons. The first is because I can very easily remain immovable. Left to my own mind, I can entertain myself for hours without even moving. I cannot “think” myself into action, but I know I can think myself out of it quite well.
By simply taking action, having the kitchen be my “go” room, I get to skip all the excess mental chatter and jump right into a flow. None of the subsequent tasks are ever as difficult as the first one for me, but “deciding” and “prioritizing” can render me useless in no time.
Secondly, for the esoteric affiliation I mentioned above. The heart chakra is the center of the bodily chakra system, anchoring both the 3 lower/material chakras and the 3 upper/astral chakras to the core of one’s own personal gravity. It is the unifier. By taking action in the heart of my home, I am symbolically “getting right to [my own] heart” as well.
A mystically charged existence
This is just one of the multitude of small ways I enchant my life. I make meaning in all I do, even when I’m tired and “out of it.” This is just who I am…
Bumping around on the back roads of the Colorado wilderness, I’m lost in the beautiful, blurred and hurried movement of the dirt, grass and trees.
Hiking through the knee high snow my senses delight in the cold squishing and sliding.
Crisp mountain air in my lungs, warm spring sun on my face – I’m lost to absolute bliss…
And here too: sudsy- soft soap bubbles, swept delicately away and cascading off my hands with crystal-sparkling, warm water…
Chills up my spine and tingles down my legs, I smile at the sensations of my beingness.
Here at the hearth, doing the same-old, routine yet nurturing work – I am blessed by my blessings. I am fulfilled. I am at peace…
No matter any chaos or the changes that may come, my heart overflows with gratitude and love.